Our recurring feature in which Gama News political experts Amiço and Chiwawa Boy of The José Trio discuss and debate each other on current world news and events
2003: The Obligatory Year in Review
Amiço and Chiwawa Boy
Well, Chiwawa Boy, 2003 is over.
Si. Twelve months of news, movies, natural disasters, political deception, and gay guys doing makeovers.
But enough about California. Ready to do our "Year in Review?"
I guess so. How are we gonna do this?
Well actually, in order to remain objective, I've asked a mediator to come in and choose topics for us to talk about.
A mediator? Who'd you ask? Who? Who??
José!!! What are you doing here?!?
Amiço has been telling me what fun you two have been having discussing and debating events here for the last two years. I just had to see what this was all about!
Well, what do you think?
It's quite boring. All we're doing is typing.
But José, aren't you at all in awe at the idea that your views and opinions are being read by people all over the world?
Ehhn, I prefer writing people's phone numbers on bathroom stalls.
I told you, that wasn't funny!
Then why did you add your pager number?
A-HEM! Anyway, earlier tonight José and I wrote topics on little pieces of paper and put them all into my sombrero. José will now reach in and randomly select topics for us to discuss. Everybody ready?
Okay. José, the first topic, por favor.
Okay...Funniest Bush Photo-Op?
No contest. Aircraft carrier. Just like when he was in the Texas Air National Guard, he put on the suit, took a photo, and then was able to sneak away to work for the bin Laden family.
Hmm...I know everyone's expecting me to talk about the rubber turkey he held up in Iraq, but really that whole zipper thing tops that for me. Come on, how far do you get before someone even points out the stain??
Crappiest Movie of the Year? And no, you may not say Gigli!
Drat! Okay, um...oh! I know! Hulk! Long periods of boring plot points that go nowhere followed by brief moments of CGI buffoonery. Even David Manning didn't like this one!
Well, I think the honor instead goes to Cat in the Hat. Ya know, I love Mike Myers as much as the next person, but man I wanted to throttle the hairy Woochie-applied life out of him! I would have preferred if he instead just stood naked on screen for ninety minutes talking about Hanna-Barbera characters in a Scottish accent.
How does that differ from the rest of his films?
Let's see...Suspected Celebrity Criminal You Most Want to See Repeatedly Kicked in the Nuts?
Easy. Phil Spector. I want to hear his wails bounce again and again off the Wall of Sound, that actress-shooting bastard.
I know I'm going for the stock answer here, but Michael Jackson. You still don't see a problem with sleeping with little boys? Take that, Lefty! You wanna play the tortured handcuffed criminal? Then feel this torture, Right Said Nad!
Whoa. Okay now, Black Male Performer You're Most Sick of?
Steve Harvey. Someone needs to tell him that he ain't Richard Pryor, he's never going to be Richard Pryor, and until he gets a misdirected birthday card from Gene Wilder, he needs to stop trying to be Richard Pryor.
Hee hee. In a similar vein, I choose Bernie Mac, which I'm sure is his real name. If I want to see some bug-eyed guy telling unfunny jokes on a Sunday night, I'd get take-out at Subway.
All right, just to be fair now, White Male Performer You're Most Sick of?
That wiry asshole who played the ice-cream man in the Kohl's commercial.
Really? Aw, I thought you definitely would have picked Ashton Kutcher!
Shoot! I forgot about him! Can I change my answer?
According to the rule you wrote on page 39, no.
Well, that would have been our first unanimous pick.
Is there, like, an address we can drive to? You know, to throw bricks at his head? I don't want to kill him, mind you, but just maybe remove his higher faculties...or just enough to make him forget his way to the studio.
Honestly...here's a "punk" for you, retard...WHAM!
Most Overexposed News Story?
Mars. Who gives a rat's ass??
Was something supposed to happen, like that face crater winking at us? You'd think since they knew exactly when it was going to be so close, they would have timed a manned space shuttle to go there, but no, that would have required creativity.
Bush said he knows there's life on Mars. How else would they get the candy bars to us?
My choice is Jessica Lynch. You know what, everyone? She was a volunteered soldier who was trained in combat. Yes, it was sad that she was captured, but those are the risks! She knew that going into the armed forces, her family hopefully should have known that, and everyone against this asinine war knew that! That's a big reason why we are against this war, because it puts the Jessica Lynches of the country in harm's way for the benefit of one guy's oil company and another guy's weapons company!
Everyone just wanted to make this the most tragic war story of all time. Really, it wasn't like she was some tourist who saw the rest of her chartered-bus group blown up.
So now what? Are we going to go in and spend manpower and resources to get every soldier who was captured there, or just the cute-as-a-button ones with nice tushes?
What was the last thing they reported? That she told her psychic friend that maybe she was raped while she was a prisoner there?
I like how everyone was surprised. What the hell did they think was going on with the women over there?? I know those ultrapatriotic chowder-heads must have seen Not without My Daughter. What amazes me more about this whole Lynch thing is that people are only enraged at the Iraqis who attacked her, not the asshole in Washington who sent her there because he wanted their oil.
Well said. Okay, next topic...um...Don's Hatwares? Huh??
José, you ripped the tag off my sombrero!
Geez...wasn't that joke on Night Court??
Probably. Okay, for real now...The World of Music, Pros and Cons?
Pro, the Dixie Chicks mocking Bush, facing the wrath of rednecks, and still out-selling all the other crap out there! Way to go, gals! Stand up to the bully!
Con, the Madonna-and-Britney kiss. Either that was a shameless, desperate display to garner some attention, or MTV was airing a deleted scene from Swept Away.
Honestly! This is the same Madonna who has produced some of the most controversial music videos of the last two decades, has both a children's book and a graphic sex book to her writing credits, and who has masturbated while performing live in concert...and this was all she could come up with to get her name in the newspapers! Shame on you, Madonna. You've lowered your own standards to appeal to the lowest common denominator...Britney fans.
Con, the end of the career of Warren Zevon.
Pro, the end of the career of Michael Jackson!
Misdirected con, the White Stripes, and this one's going to reviewers, industry professionals, and the mindless sheep who watch MTV. They're cool, but folks, they're not the New Beatles. Stop pretending they are.
Con, Eminem. That's right. Oscar-snubbing, puppet-slapping, humerus-lacking, racial-profiling, black-pretending Eminem. Drop the act already. You're frickin' Marshall from Detroit and if you didn't know how to write, you'd be the assistant layaway manager of the Dearborn Circuit City.
Pro, Let It Be Naked by the Beatles. This just hasn't been Phil Spector's year, has it? He's up on murder charges after his defense of "She shot herself in the head and threw away the gun" didn't work, and now the most influential band in history is more or less calling him a hack. I personally can't wait for The White Album Naked, in which they take out Ringo's vocals.
We need to move along here, guys. One more each.
All right. Con, VH1. What the hell?? Aren't the letters supposed to stand for "Video Hits One??" Where are the videos?? What's with crap like VH1 All Access: Inside Space Jam?!?
Darn. I was hoping you'd be doing a pro. Anyway, con, Mandy Moore. YOU'RE NOT AN ACTRESS! NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOU FALL IN LOVE EVERY FOUR MONTHS WITH SOME "DREAMY" HUNK! AND IF YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY A CHARACTER WHO SKINNY-DIPS, THEN DO IT YOURSELF OR KEEP THE HELL OFF THE SCREEN!!!
I think that can also apply to Hillary Duff, Amanda Byrnes, the Olsen twins, and any other ultra-cutesy actress whose management thinks lighthearted "tween angst" equates entertainment. Sheesh...there's a reason people stopped going to see Macaulay Culkin movies!
I thought it was because a fifteen-year-old throwing paint cans at Ted Danson wasn't funny?
No, it is funny...it's just not something you'd want to have to pay to see.
Speak for yourself.
Anyway, New Television Show You Most Want to See the Negatives Burned?
I really hated that one they kept rerunning, Smiling Bush and Hairy Saddam.
That wasn't a TV show. That was Fox News!
Are you sure? Then what about that other show of theirs, Hannity Eye for the Colmes Guy?
Speaking of Fox...hee hee..."News," am I the only person who wants to see Bill O'Reilly shot out of a cannon and land into a large blender?
Hey now, be nice. He has some disease...or something.
Si, it's called "You Can't Tell Me I'm a Rambling Hypocrite Because I Have an Unclear Colon Problem Syndrome." It usually affects the loudest and most clueless people in the media. Ann Coulter is expected to catch it next summer!
Didn't his colon write a book?
Si! He's Speaking out of Me.
It's not everyone who has been made a completely humiliated asshole by Stuart Smalley. Hey, doesn't Rush Limbaugh have a similar strain of that disease now, too?
Uh-huh. We have to be nice to him because he's a "victim"...you know, not a criminal. Oh, and don't tell him this because he's under a lot of "pressure," avoiding deserved charges and all, but he also has a little bit of a weight problem.
Guys? The topic...?
Oh, oh! Si! Um...well now...how about that one where the thirty people are all trying to score with that one person of the opposite sex?
Oh yeah...that one!
What about you?
Man, where to start? Reality television...Survivor and its imitators...Punk'd...the Jackass clones...Dave Chappelle...teenaged Rugrats...Snoop Dogg's crapizzle...poker game shows...I Love the Shortsighted Decade Retrospectives...I mean, come on, if there really is a "liberal media" out there, then why haven't there been any truly outstanding intelligent programs on the air this past year??
Okay, getting down to the bottom here...Bullshit Phrase of the Year?
Anything Bush said, but if I need to name just one, I'm going for the obvious: "Mission accomplished." There have been, what, several hundred U.S. troops killed after this supposed "end??"
And I'll go for the more recent, yet as-obvious, one: "We've got him." Ah si, "him," the "him" that had NOTHING to do with 9/11! Is this country so goddamn mindless that they'll just believe whatever is fed to them?? How many millions of people were watching CNN that whole week of 9/11? How many times did Saddam's name ever come up during that?!? Jesus christ, think, people! Or are you so blinded by that flag you stuck onto your backseat window that you can't tell when you're being bamboozled??!
And people have been killed since Saddam's capture. So what the hell did this accomplish? There's still conflict in Iraq, our moronic terror threat level has actually been elevated, and the soldiers there have even said that it's turning into another Vietnam. Yes, "we've got him"...and boy, you can just see how much better our country is for it.
Election-Related Surprise of the Year?
Schwarzeniwelligereffer actually winning in California! What the hell is wrong with Californians? No wonder nobody takes this country seriously...they've elected Mr. Freeze for the governor's seat.
And big surprise here...San Luis Obispo is already in a state of emergency. Gasp.
I guess he didn't know what else to do after the helpful cyborgs from the future were a no-show. "I tvied grooping da vomen and bashing da Jews, but it didn't rebuild da town. Maria? Maria...? I need you to say someving to make deese people believe I know vhat I'm doing!"
Hee hee...my pick, and here's a more positive one, Wesley Clark running for president. Boo-frickin'-yeah! Even if he doesn't get the nomination, even if he's relegated to just being Dean or Kucinich's running mate, I hope--nay, I dream--that Clark has at least one debate with Bush before November. He would blow that pretzel-choking, child-murdering retard out of the water! If I had any religious inclinations, that debate is what I would pray for every night.
Have you ever noticed that Bush will never discuss anything in an open forum? I mean, the press core is pre-selected, he never shows up for any town hall meetings or public quorums, and all of his remarks to the media are done in private. What exactly is so he afraid of?
Intelligence and logic. It's a common fear among Republicans and bullies.
Ready for the last two topics?
Asshole of the Year?
Oh wow, what a year it's been. We've had O'Reilly and Valenti and Timberlake and Ridge. Cheney and Limbaugh and Keith and Thurmond. Malvo and Bryant and Wal-Mart and Stewart. But in the end, none of those people sent any of this country's citizens to die to justify their father's lackluster presidency. I know I'm again going for the obvious, but it needs to be said. My pick for "Asshole of the Year," George W. Bush.
It has been said that the most difficult decision for a president to make is to send people to fight, and perhaps even die, in the name of their country. So it is perhaps the greatest atrocity for a president to send people to fight and die in the name of a lie. Bush has made comments in the past about how, and I quote, "there are some who would like to rewrite history." Before the war with Iraq, very few intelligent people in this country believed that Iraq was hoarding "weapons of mass destruction," and most were questioning the country's motives for invading Iraq. The war has long since "ended," and not only have we not found these supposed weapons, but many are still wondering if attacking the country was the right thing to do. So, who exactly is rewriting history? Bush? It was never proven that Iraq was in possession of "weapons of mass destruction," or had anything to do with 9/11 for that matter. It was never proven that Iraq was going to attack the United States. We know that the U.S. military was already positioning itself to guard Iraq's oil sites, long before the war was officially proclaimed. We know that Bush ignored the request of the United Nations to hold off on invading Iraq until more inspections could be done, a request that was echoed by many of America's own allies. I don't have the exact numbers of how many Americans died in this war, but if it was over zero, was it worth it? Did the facts I just mentioned justify George W. Bush sending his citizens off to fight and die...something he himself was able to avoid when it was his turn decades before?? Saddam Hussein is a bad guy...I don't think that has ever been in question. But, I don't believe he was an immediate threat to this country. I don't believe that anyone needed to die to defend us from this man at this time. It just seems like such a waste of human life for what seems to be nothing more than a transparent attempt to boost an unelected politician's approval ratings with ignoramuses. If Bush and his "corporation" want oil, he should just buy it with his own money. It shouldn't come out of the pockets of taxpayers or the lives of people just following orders, no matter how misdirected those orders are. I wholeheartedly support an investigation into George W. Bush's claims that allowed him to attack another country and murder its citizens. Shit, I support a goddamn recall of this prick! If nothing can be proven, then what does it say about someone who takes advantage of a world tragedy such as 9/11 to settle a score with someone who upset his "daddy?" Weapons have yet to be found. We are no closer to defeating the hammy and futile "war against terrorism." The United States have become the world's bully. The nation's soldiers are dead, even the "cute" ones. Countries around the world are now looking at this country as petty, controlling, egotistical, and frankly no better than the oppressors they fought in Iraq. George W. Bush has become a laughing stock throughout Europe and North America, among other regions. The future of the United Nations is up in the air. And I don't know about you two, but for the first time I am embarrassed to be living in this country. It would just be nice to know if all this was worth it.
Whoa...I-I'm stunned. That was great, Amiço!
And I didn't even go into the facts that the economy is not recovering, that he took away medicare benefits for millions of people this year, and he endorses baffling negative changes to current energy and environmental laws!
What about you, C.B.?
Well, instead of picking a specific person, I decided to go with a whole group of people.
The NRA, eh?
Nope. The "blind American patriot."
Don't get me wrong. I don't mind those who do truly love their country and will fight tooth and nail to defend its ideals. I'm talking about those who use patriotism as a weapon against anyone who says anything even remotely anti-Bush or anti-America. These are the same people who hijacked the American flag and made anti-war patriots embarrassed to also use it as a symbol. The people who equate patriotism with Bush. The ones who called those wearing peace symbols "the Taliban," told protestors that if they "hate this country they should just leave," and think renaming their fatty foods will hurt another country. To those people, I'll let you in on a little secret: there will never be a time in this nation's history that every single citizen will love the president, elected or not. And I'll let you in on a seemingly bigger secret: not everyone likes Bush, and in fact many feel he is the worst "president" this country ever had.
Not me. I put him just above Martin Van Buren.
One of the great things about this country is that there will always be people with new and different ideas and opinions. You should learn to accept that and stop trying to bully people into believing what you believe. By telling someone to leave this country just because they don't agree with you, you're telling them that there cannot be two points of view...and that yours is more valid for no reason. That's a very dangerous game to play based purely on faith, and it leads to a society with just one ideal, one consensus, one opinion...you know, like Nazi Germany. I personally am still against this war, but I do understand that there were people who were in favor of it. I don't agree with them--in fact, I think many of them simply didn't read all the facts on their own--but I would never tell them that their opinion doesn't matter and that they should leave the country if they don't agree with me. I'm not hurting or harassing you with my views, so why are you trying to get rid of me? Are you that afraid that something I'll say will make sense to you? Maybe if you'd stop watching Fox News for all of your "opinions" and maybe read a book like Dude Where's My Country? or any international newspaper, you'll see how blinded many in this country are by being a "patriot." You can't profess to love a country until you know exactly what the hell's going on inside it. Otherwise you're just loving a stranger, and who wants to make America out to be a prostitute?
Nicely done, Chiwawa Boy. Okay guys, last topic...well, what a coincidence! Hero of the Year?
Gosh...what do you know? Speaking of people with different opinions, my pick for "Hero of the Year" is Michael Moore.
Hey! How odd is this? My pick is the country of France! We must have been on the same wavelength here.
Michael Moore--not to mention France, Al Franken, the Dixie Chicks, and others--did something this year that should be commended. He stood up to a bully. In fact, he stood up to the biggest bully this world has. To those who hate Mr. Moore and aren't afraid to show it, I have just one question: Why? If he is just an "asshole," or a "traitor," or whatever infantile names he's been called this past year, then what do you care what he says and about whom? Many people have attacked him with petty insults, but not a single person has made any argument as to why Mr. Moore--or anyone else, for that matter--is not entitled to criticize this "administration." Simply calling someone a liar is not the same as showing why. Sure it's easier, but it's also much lazier. It seems to be both easier and lazier to be "patriotic" than to question faux-authority. It is also your obligation as citizens to question the government. That's just one of the principles on which this country was founded...or did you forget that you were the rebels breaking off from your "buddies" in England? Michael Moore is doing nothing more than, say, Benjamin Franklin did two centuries ago.
Exactly! Now, I know how much right-wingers, Republicans, and blind patriots in general loathe anyone who dares question their golden boy...which is understandable. After all, who likes to see a retarded kid being picked on? But the fact remains that he has a lot to answer for, about both 9/11 and this sham of a war in Iraq. Should Bush ever be brave enough to actually answer such questions, it is very much possible that something will come out that will make many of you question your own political beliefs, and I know that is a very hard pill to have to swallow. So I can see why many of you would want to blame and stifle Michael Moore, or Al Franken, or Ivins and Dubose, but getting rid of the messenger isn't the answer.
Getting rid of the president, on the other hand....
Amiço, why didn't you also pick Michael Moore for "Hero of the Year?"
Because I think this country treated France shamefully and they deserve the honor in the face of such ignorant taunting and teasing. There are some peckers out there who think that France owed it to America after World War II. Um...excuse me?? Revolutionary War? Motion pictures?? Statue of Liberty?!? It seems to me that America owed France! Besides, what does that even mean? "France owed it to America?" They're supposed to be allies. What kind of asshole keeps score of friendship?? As we've said before on here, being an ally isn't the same as being a lackey. France wanted to give the United Nations more time...as did Germany, as did Russia, as did Canada, as did many others. But America shot its load too soon and became the joke of the world, and well, someone had to pay for that. BULL...SHIT! If this country is going to be reckless and invade a country then it should have the balls to accept responsibility when it's being mocked. Whatever happened to "the buck stops here??" France, as a citizen of Tamale but on behalf of the United States of America, I deeply apologize for the dickless assholes in this country that didn't understand what was going on and wanted to blame you for it. Viva la France, "L'Hero de l'Annee!"
Very nice, Amiço.
But anyway, whether or not Michael Moore deserves to be "Hero of the Year" is debatable...not that I'm against him getting the honor, of course. No matter what, challenging the "bully of the year" is no easy feat in this society. And like or hate Mr. Moore, there is no denying that the man has courage.
And all without his father backing him up, too!
So guys, what can we expect in 2004?
New president...new president...new president...new president...!!!
Maybe a safe trip home for all of the soldiers stuck in Iraq?
I'm hoping for a Star Wars movie that doesn't suck.
I think the three of us should make a pact...let's all become American citizens this year so we can get involved with our country, vote, and get rid of Bush!
I'm for that!
Sounds good! I think many people in this country are just sick of these smug lies of Bush's.
Remember, you can't spell "bullshit" without "Bush!"
You were right, you guys. This was fun. Maybe one day soon I'll come back so we can all do this again.
Well let's all sign off and go meet up at Bermie's for a couple of long-necks to toast to the new year.
Great idea! Happy New Year, José.
Happy New Year, guys.
Let's hope so.
He Said/He Said October, 2003: Marriage Protection Week
He Said/He Said September, 2003: Blackouts and Rub-outs
He Said/He Said July, 2003: Virginity and Celebrity
He Said/He Said April, 2003: France
He Said/He Said March, 2003: War
He Said/He Said February, 2003: Award Season
He Said/He Said December, 2002: Resolutions
He Said/He Said October, 2002: Fear
He Said/He Said September, 2002: The Emmys
He Said/He Said August, 2002: Baseball
He Said/He Said June, 2002: The Pledge
He Said/He Said May, 2002: Cloning
He Said/He Said February, 2002: Sex
He Said/He Said January, 2002: The State of the Union
He Said/He Said December, 2001: The Holidays
He Said/He Said August, 2001: McDonald's
He Said/He Said July, 2001: Music
He Said/He Said May, 2001: The Death Penalty
He Said/He Said March, 2001: The Oscars
He Said/He Said February, 2001: Napster
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The José Trio concept, Amiço, and Chiwawa Boy are the exclusive properties of Catra Enterprizes, a Catra-Dohtem, Inc. company.