Our recurring feature in which Gama News political experts Amiço and Chiwawa Boy of The José Trio discuss and debate each other on current world news and events


November, 2006
Torture

by
Amiço and Chiwawa Boy

Hey Amiço! Didya hear??

No, what??

I finally got a satellite dish!

Wow, welcome to the late '80s, C.B.

Gracias! This is so cool!!!

Got sick of cable, huh?

Oh, don't get me started! It was always the same old, same old. I am so glad to finally have access to such cool, exclusive channels like TNT, USA, and Nickelodeon!

Um....

And the variety of music channels!!

Oh, you mean your system also has digital radio on it, like Sirius?

Huh? Oh no, I mean MTV and VH1. Can you believe there's finally a channel that shows nothing but music videos for eight hours a day?!?

They do?

Si! From three in the morning to eleven it's nothing but the best in modern music...and Brooke Hogan.

Sounds great, C.B. So anyway, I--

And they even have specialized video channels too!

Huh?

There's Fuse, IMF, MTV, MTV2, MTV Tr3s, MTV Hits, MTV Flops, MTV Jams, MTV Jellies, MTV Chi, MTV Jap, MTV Desi, MTV Lucy, MTV K, mtvU, MTV Q, VH1, VH1 Classic, VH1 Ancient, VH1 Country, VH1 Suburb, VH1 Soul, VH1 Atheist, VHUno, VH1 Yahtzee, and they've even crafted a VH1 just for me!

There's...a VH1 Chiwawa Boy?

I have a very diverse palette.

Well, as long as you're happy.

Oh, si, si!! Cinemax has been showing all six Star Wars movies all month long. With both the East and West Coast feeds, I am in Yoda heaven.

You're not getting sick of it?

No way, José!

Amiço.

Lo siento. No, I don't mind it at all. One day you'll find me sitting in front of the TV in a daze, drool oozing out of my mouth.

Isn't that a line from an episode of Seinfeld about porn?

Same kind of addiction. Seriously, Amiço, I don't know what I would do without my new best friend.

Present company excluded, si?

Perdon?

So, lack of satellite television would be torture to you, eh?

Si, it wou--um, why do I feel a segue coming on?

Because we need to talk about torture.

Por qué?

Because Dick Cheney believes in it.

Qué?? No he doesn't! I would have read that on Wikipedia.

Pfft, Wikipedia...all the knowledge of the universe at the mercy of twelve guys from IGN with inferiority complexes.

But I'm telling you Cheney doesn't believe in torture!

Si, he does! Last month he said that dunking a prisoner's head in water would be a "no-brainer" if it meant saving lives.

No he didn't! I don't believe you.

Go ahead, look it up. It was in an interview with Scott Hennen. It's even up on the White House web site.

Give me a second to check, okay?

Si.

Mi dios.

Told ya.

Oh come on now...maybe he misspoke?

Maybe he misspoke about personally favoring a sadistic form of torture?

Well, he could have gotten flustered or something, right?

I don't think so. Even the White House's press secretary Tony Snow said right after that, "This is not a guy who slips up."

Then why did he say that? What the hell's the matter with him??

Face it, C.B., he's evil.

Oh come on, name one other instance in which--

He got drunk and shot someone in the face!

Okay, I concede my point.

'Bout time.

Wait a second. Hasn't Bush said that his administration does not torture?

Ah, but he never said that his administration doesn't endorse torture....

Oh come on....

Besides, you know as well as I do by now that Bush and Cheney don't consider themselves to actually be in the administration...they're above that.

How does that work anyway?

Huh?

Dunking someone's head in water.

Well, I guess if we wanted information that a person wasn't willing to give, we would deprive them of oxygen in increments until they surrendered.

Yikes.

Si, yikes. I guess the specific technique that Cheney was praising is even worse. A person gets restrained and blindfolded and water is merely poured over their face, making them believe that they're drowning.

Si, that would be torture all right. But, but surely the United States wouldn't really engage in such actions, right?

Oh no, Chiwawa Boy? What about all that sexual abuse that happened in that prison in Iraq? People were stripped, molested, and photographed with rednecks pointing at them and mugging at the camera, like they're posing with Bullwinkle at Universal Studios. Or what about the horror stories of what goes on at Guantanamo Bay??

But Bush keeps saying that the U.S. doesn't torture.

Then what would you call it? Torture means more than just pulling out someone's fingernails. There's also psychological torture. Heck, the administration has even refused to list exactly which interrogation methods are authorized to use. Don't you think citizens have a right to know what is being done in their name?

I guess so, but...I don't know, I just always thought America was better than that.

Oh, they were, back in the '20s and '40s when they adopted the Geneva Conventions concerning the treatment of prisoners of war and civilians in times of war. Today the government treats those like antiquated formalities, and they excuse what they do with that magic phrase: "9/11."

Time and time again it seems.

So por favor, don't make me laugh. This country has always tortured people. They're just now arguing semantics.

Now that sounds like torture.

How else would you define torture, Chiwawa Boy?

Me? Gosh, I dunno...vacation slides would have to qualify. You?

I'd say anything concerning the nipple.

What about stupid haircuts?

Or giving someone gift certificates to a chain store not in their area?

Maybe programming their TV to cut off the last two minutes of every program they watch?

Sheesh, it all goes back to television with you lately, doesn't it?

What about just cutting off the West Coast feeds of their pay movie channels?

What??

Hey, that would get me. I need my 1:15AM repeat of Revenge of the Sith.

You've been spoiled.

You're just jealous because I can watch The Porter Wagoner Show on RFD-TV late Saturday nights.

Grrr...too easy....


He Said/He Said August, 2006: Pluto
He Said/He Said July, 2006: The Anti-War Movement
He Said/He Said May, 2006: Surveillance
He Said/He Said April, 2006: Immigration
He Said/He Said February, 2006: Anniversaries
He Said/He Said December, 2005: War on Christmas
He Said/He Said September, 2005: Hurricane Preparation
He Said/He Said July, 2005: Presidential Diversions
He Said/He Said May, 2005: Revenge of the Ditz
He Said/He Said April, 2005: The Pope
He Said/He Said February, 2005: Cartoons
He Said/He Said December, 2004: New Year's Past
He Said/He Said October, 2004: Amiço and Chiwawa Boy's Super-Cool Election Spectacular!
He Said/He Said August, 2004: Terror Alerts
He Said/He Said June, 2004: The Gipper
He Said/He Said March, 2004: Language
He Said/He Said February, 2004: Nudity
He Said/He Said January, 2004: State of Delusion
He Said/He Said December, 2003: 2003: The Obligatory Year in Review
He Said/He Said October, 2003: Marriage Protection Week
He Said/He Said September, 2003: Blackouts and Rub-outs
He Said/He Said July, 2003: Virginity and Celebrity
He Said/He Said April, 2003: France
He Said/He Said March, 2003: War
He Said/He Said February, 2003: Award Season
He Said/He Said December, 2002: Resolutions
He Said/He Said October, 2002: Fear
He Said/He Said September, 2002: The Emmys
He Said/He Said August, 2002: Baseball
He Said/He Said June, 2002: The Pledge
He Said/He Said May, 2002: Cloning
He Said/He Said February, 2002: Sex
He Said/He Said January, 2002: The State of the Union
He Said/He Said December, 2001: The Holidays
He Said/He Said August, 2001: McDonald's
He Said/He Said July, 2001: Music
He Said/He Said May, 2001: The Death Penalty
He Said/He Said March, 2001: The Oscars
He Said/He Said February, 2001: Napster


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The José Trio concept, Amiço, and Chiwawa Boy are the exclusive properties of Catra Enterprizes, a Catra-Dohtem, Inc. company.