Our recurring feature in which Gama News political experts Amiço and Chiwawa Boy of The José Trio discuss and debate each other on current world news and events
Amiço and Chiwawa Boy's Super-Cool Election Spectacular!
Amiço and Chiwawa Boy
Okay, try it now.
Test, test, testing...uno, dos, tres.
It's working, Chiwawa Boy! It's working! We got the GripeLog 486 working again!!
Oh, excellent! See, I told you it was just that red wire.
Si...well, everyone, it's great to be back! As most of you know, Florida was hammered by hurricanes for much of the last couple of months and, needless to say, we're still trying to glue our lives back together.
Si, we thought our GripeLog 486 attachment was a victim of the devastation before we realized it was simply unplugged.
And in the meantime, we have received hundreds of e-mails from people wondering if we were okay.
Hey, I didn't get any e-mails.
Let me assure everyone that aside from some horrible winds, the storms just missed us and everyone here is perfectly fine.
What are you talking about? My house now has a gaping hole in the wall!
Well, okay, what I meant was I'm perfectly fine.
Then why did you steal my free bottled water??
Anyway, a lot of the e-mails we received asked if we were going to have debates on the presidential debates.
Why won't you let me ever see these e-mails?!?
As great of a suggestion as that was, it would have been impossible for two reasons. One, Chiwawa Boy couldn't watch the debates because his house was still without power.
No, my house had power! You just borrowed my TV set last month so you could watch a Riptide marathon!
And two, well, the fact remains is that Chiwawa Boy and I agreed on who won all the debates, so there would have really been no point to arguing about anything.
I didn't get to see the debates! What did you need my set for anyway? What was wrong with your TV?
I was taping Up the Academy.
I hate Michael Winslow.
But, but, we do have some good news!
Oh si! Si! Tell 'em!
At the end of August, Chiwawa Boy and I were granted dual citizenship and we registered to vote!
Si! We are now officially Tamalian-Americans!
You would be surprised how quick it was to get citizenship due to our country of origin.
Si, NATO doesn't even recognize it!
It really couldn't be easier for a Tamalian. You just need to apply on a web site and wait two weeks.
But the web site was a little hard to find because it's merely piggybacking on the site for the guy who owns the local Quizno's franchises.
We were even able to get José to do this with us!
Si, he'll do anything if you tell him it involves free downloadable music.
Of course, there was a snag when the three of us registered to vote.
Si...they purged me from the registrar right on the spot! I mean, I didn't even turn the card in to the librarian yet!
But, everything is all straightened out now. And as an official Tamalian-American I would like to close by saying that I wholeheartedly endorse Senator John Kerry for our next president.
Really? That's all you have to say?
Amiço, you've been complaining about George W. Bush nonstop for the last three years, and now you're telling me that in these final days you have nothing more to say??
Um....si. Let's just drop it now.
Stop it. I'm done.
You know you want to.
Ooohhh, who am I kidding?!? Did you see that third debate?? He was drooling! I swear to Buddha, he was foaming at the corner of the mouth!!
No, I didn't see the debates. Did he really?
And good god, what mind-numbingly stupid answers he gave! It's "hard work," we're "working hard," it's "hard work!" Change the damn record already ya moron! He murdered the concept of pregnant pauses!
And that smirk on his face when he said he didn't own a timber company...yet he claimed that he had one on his 1991, 2002, and 2003 tax returns for cryin' out loud!! What, didn't he think people would have checked that out afterward?!? He doesn't even know which companies he owns, and people want him to run the country for another four years??
Amiço, por favor, calm down...
And he honestly thinks that the jury is still out on whether or not homosexuality is a choice? What, did he mean for him??
Amiço...you're scaring me.
And the freakin' inbred fool thought that Kerry was suggesting that we literally take a "global test?!?" Like with #2 pencils and some guy proctoring the instructions?? Sheesh, it was a goddamn metaphor! I knew that, and I'm an immigrant still learning the English language!!
Um...what was said about Osama bin Laden?
Oh boy, do not get me started on that! Kerry quoted Bush as saying that bin Laden was no longer a concern, a press conference that I have personally seen myself, and Bush denied ever saying that!! Does he think we all took "stupid pills" before watching this stuff?? And I swear, during the third debate he kept slapping his podium like an orangutan on a game show!
So, what you're saying is that Kerry....
Kerry was clearly the winner of all three debates! He not only sounded like he knew what he was talking about, but he was also able to actually quote facts and figures, and he simply just looked more presidential. Bush, on the other hand, always looked like he was recovering from a hangover!
That may very well be true. Are you okay now, Amiço?
Si...si...gracias for letting me vent.
So, how do you think the election will turn out?
Well, I never like to jinx things, but just look at the extreme measures people and groups have taken this year to get Kerry elected. When was the last time a concert tour was created to keep a guy in office? When was the last time a state had a 250 percent increase of new Democratic voters? When was the last time a movie was made to assassinate a president's credibility? There is never this large of a drive to keep things the same. You only see this kind of initiative and motivation when a change will be made.
Hm, si...so, are you predicting a Kerry win?
I am predicting a Kerry win, not just because I want the guy to win, but also because I have great confidence in who are now my fellow citizens. Deep down, Americans vote their conscience, and fortunately they know the smell of bullshit all too well.
Of course, so do Tamalians, but that's not metaphorically or anything.
What about you, Chiwawa Boy?
To me, it comes down to the troops who have been killed because Bush lied. The last number I read was 1,100 U.S. soldiers...people who willingly went into Iraq because they believed their president. I don't think I've met 1,100 people in the last year, yet in almost the same amount of time that's how many Bush sacrificed. I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror if I voted for this man...that is, of course, if someone didn't already take my mirror!
Geez, I'll give it back to you already. I'm sorry!
So, see you back here in November?
You bet. Let's hope it's under better circumstances.
He Said/He Said August, 2004: Terror Alerts
He Said/He Said June, 2004: The Gipper
He Said/He Said March, 2004: Language
He Said/He Said February, 2004: Nudity
He Said/He Said January, 2004: State of Delusion
He Said/He Said December, 2003: 2003: The Obligatory Year in Review
He Said/He Said October, 2003: Marriage Protection Week
He Said/He Said September, 2003: Blackouts and Rub-outs
He Said/He Said July, 2003: Virginity and Celebrity
He Said/He Said April, 2003: France
He Said/He Said March, 2003: War
He Said/He Said February, 2003: Award Season
He Said/He Said December, 2002: Resolutions
He Said/He Said October, 2002: Fear
He Said/He Said September, 2002: The Emmys
He Said/He Said August, 2002: Baseball
He Said/He Said June, 2002: The Pledge
He Said/He Said May, 2002: Cloning
He Said/He Said February, 2002: Sex
He Said/He Said January, 2002: The State of the Union
He Said/He Said December, 2001: The Holidays
He Said/He Said August, 2001: McDonald's
He Said/He Said July, 2001: Music
He Said/He Said May, 2001: The Death Penalty
He Said/He Said March, 2001: The Oscars
He Said/He Said February, 2001: Napster
The Gama News Team ©2004 GAMA Productions. The Gama News Team and its related characters are the exclusive properties of GAMA Productions. All rights reserved.
The José Trio concept, Amiço, and Chiwawa Boy are the exclusive properties of Catra Enterprizes, a Catra-Dohtem, Inc. company.