Hey Amiço! Happy Marriage Protection Week!

What?

Happy Marriage Protection Week!

What the hell are you talking about??

We're currently in the middle of Marriage Protection Week.

I reiterate, what the hell are you talking about?!?

Bush declared this week to be Marriage Protection Week.

What?? Why??

Well because...um, you know what, I'm not sure.

Well, when did he announce this??

Some time last week, I think. I saved the text from it.

Good boy, C.B. Let's take a look at what this raving lunatic is talking about....

Marriage is a sacred institution

Oh brother.

Yeah...unless you're gay, of different races, or in love with an immigrant. Then, it's a mockery of values, right?

Are we going to do that whole commenting thing again?

Why not? This prick deserves any jab he gets.

and its protection is essential to the continued strength of our society.

Huh? Is someone threatening the concept of marriage?

Marriage Protection Week provides an opportunity to focus our efforts on preserving the sanctity of marriage and on building strong and healthy marriages in America.

"...and keeping them there queers out of churches."

No, seriously. Is marriage an endangered thing now? I mean, I know I get sick every time someone mentions the Ben and Jen stuff, or the Demi and Ashton stuff for that matter, but....

Ashton Kutcher...sheesh, if anyone deserves to be stoned to death....

Marriage is a union between a man and a woman

"...that is, according to my nineteenth-century redneck dictionary."

I always thought it was a union between two people who love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together? Since when did that ever involve specific genders?

"Marriage is a union between a man and whatever chick his father paid for. Right, Laura?"

and my Administration is working to support the institution of marriage by helping couples build successful marriages and be good parents.

Si, says the guy whose wife ran over someone with her car and whose daughters have been picked up for underaged drinking. Padre of the Year here.

Call me crass, but shouldn't the Administration be working on things that are a little more important...like, I dunno, fixing the plummeting economy?!?

Quiet you, the Love Prez is in, taking your calls....

To encourage marriage and promote the well-being of children

"...I will pardon the Enron people."

I have proposed a healthy marriage initiative to help couples develop the skills and knowledge to form and sustain healthy marriages.

"I call it Operation: Masturbation. Allow me to demonstrate with this picture of mi brother...."

So I guess we found Osama, right? I mean, why else would he waste everyone's valuable time with this crap unless he had nothing better to do??

Research has shown that

"...I am dumber than a monkey."

on average, children raised in households headed by married parents fare better than children who grow up in other family structures.

"...like on a steamship or in an orphanage."

I want to know the success rate of children who live in households headed by other children.

Through education and counseling programs

We will all vote more wisely in 2004.

faith-based, community, and government organizations promote healthy marriages and a better quality of life for children.

How, exactly, do government organizations promote healthy marriages? Is this some hidden task that Toys for Tots has been put in charge of?

Faith-based?? Sorry, all you atheist children. Your parents are doomed. Had they worshipped Jesus, you wouldn't have been held back in school.

By supporting responsible child-rearing and strong families, my Administration is seeking to ensure that every child can grow up in a safe and loving home.

"...uh, except those on welfare. They're screwed."

I'll have you know that I will have nothing to do with any program that involves a child's rear!

Doesn't that go back to the religious organizations?

We are also working to make sure that the Federal Government does not penalize marriage.

"...unless you're gay."

My tax relief package eliminated the marriage penalty.

And the collective sigh of relief was heard all around the world. How dare we pay taxes.

Really now...Hussein?? Osama?? North Korea?? Anything on the "to do" list??

And as part of the welfare reform package I have proposed

"...anyone saying anything remotely negative about me or muh country will be sent to a maximum security prison!"

Wait a minute now...who said anything about welfare? I thought this had to do with preserving the institution of marriage? I never would have guessed in a hundred years that this was just a big ruse to screw around with the lives of the millions of people that the government supports because the economy is so shitty. I am quite shocked.

we will do away with the rules that have made it more difficult for married couples to move out of poverty.

"We will institute some new rules. For example, when you get married, you will be given two thousand dollars and be allowed to add the opposite-colored stick to your car. You are then allowed to spin the dial again. If the dial sticks, just put a drop of vegetable oil underneath it...."

We must support the institution of marriage and help parents build stronger families.

"So if you see a married couple on the street, walk up to them, offer them some coffee, and pleasantly say, 'I support you.' Give the wife a small peck on the cheek and the husband a hardy handshake. If they have children with them, pleasantly offer each child a piece of candy from your pocket. Now, if you see a single person, a gay couple, or a black woman with children on the street, feel free to spit at them and say, 'I will never support you or your lifestyle.' There, that's not so hard, is it?"

Hee hee...this seems like the Stepford Administration.

Whoa! Good pun there, C.B.!

And we must continue our work to create a compassionate, welcoming society, where all people are treated with dignity and respect.

"...except gays, Arabs, and those thinkin' women!"

"We must build us a utopian metropolis, perhaps one with a robot girl with big hooters...."

During Marriage Protection Week

"...you will be required to service your man at any time of day."

I call on all Americans

Good thing I'm on the "do not call" list.

to join me in expressing support for the institution of marriage with all its benefits to our people, our culture, and our society.

Our people and our society? I didn't realize there was a difference. What, does he mean society, like, animals, too?

I'm not supporting any animal marriages. They usually end in cannibalism.

Now, therefore, I, George W. Bush, President of the United States of America

Well, sort of. You're temping until Clark shows up.

Really. Let's face it. If it wasn't for his last name, this moron would end up being the night manager at the Austin Sizzler.

by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States

"...and, of course, by my man, Jesus."

do hereby proclaim the week of October 12 through October 18, 2003, as Marriage Protection Week.

Wait a minute...something doesn't sound right about those dates....

Can someone proclaim a whole week? I mean, isn't that what calendars are for?

I call upon the people of the United States to observe this week with appropriate programs, activities, and ceremonies.

Activities and ceremonies? Oh gawd, like what? Marriage Protection apple bobbing? Maybe go out and sing some Marriage Protection carols?

Wait...does this mean Marriage Protection shopping started in late September?

Be sure to light the seven candles of the Marriage Protection menorah!

In witness whereof

In witness whereof? Who is this, President Fudd??

I have hereunto set my hand this third day of October

Aaahh!!!! It's the Hand of Fate!

And I set my finger in response to this stupid idea.

in the year of our Lord two thousand three

Your years may vary depending on your individual lords.

What would the year be under Lord Vader?

So, if we have a lord, then what are we listening to this asswipe for?

Well, He made him president. It's in Revelations. "May he who possess a lack of knowledge be the one chosen to wipe out men of science and women who want abortions."

and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and twenty-eighth.

"...which, um, would make it the same...uh...year."

Do we have to keep track of a second calendar, too?

So, did that clear it all up for you?

What? No! That didn't make any sense at all! What did any of that have to do with marriages?? Shouldn't he back up his fears and concerns with maybe some statistics??

Nah...statistics are like Kryptonite to this guy.

I'm telling you, something is odd about those dates. Isn't something going on that week already?

Well, October 18 is Sweetest Day....

That's it! I knew it! He is actually conning the American people into celebrating a Hallmark holiday??!

Hey...that's right! Well, except that it's an American Greetings holiday....

People, SWEETEST DAY IS NOT AN ACTUAL HOLIDAY!!! Geez, I don't think I would want to be with the girl who would want to "celebrate" it!

Then why is he doing this?

My guess is that this is yet another lame attempt to get people to spend money. Because, you know, Gorant's fourth-quarter sales are really going to pull the country out of this all-time slump.

I dunno...I think crap like this just puts his own presidency into question.

You mean sending people to die in Iraq for no reason doesn't already?

Good point.

So, what's next? He already missed Grandparents Day last month, otherwise he could have proclaimed it to be Elderly Appreciation Week.

I think Boss Day is coming up, just in time for Vocational Harmony Week.

Man, what a goober. If a couple really loves each other, then they shouldn't feel obligated to express that love in a predetermined week. They love each other on their own terms, so they should express that love on their own terms. Any day, or any week, that they feel is right.

You mean like an anniversary?

Si! And just in time for Consensual Sex Week!

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The José Trio concept, Amiço, and Chiwawa Boy are the exclusive properties of Catra Enterprizes, a Catra-Dohtem, Inc. company.