Hola, everybody! I'm just waiting for Chiwawa Boy to get back from L.A., where he was covering the Emmy Awards last night.

Ahem....he should be here any second now.

Any second.

Hola!! I'm back, Amiço!

Hey, Chiwawa Boy! How was the trip?

Fantastic! I went to El Pollo Loco!

No, I mean how were the Emmys?

Shouldn't that be spelled "Emmies?"

I don't think so. At least in the newspapers they're spelling it "Emmys."

No apostrophe?

Nada.

Huh. That's just odd.

So, how were the awards?

Well, I covered that red carpet thing that they all walk on, but I wasn't allowed to stay very long at the actual ceremonies.

Oh yeah, I heard. Why were you ejected?

They didn't like my protesting the primetime exclusion of the creative arts awards.

I read on a message board that you were thrown out for chucking Goobers at Michael C. Hall's head.

That is nothing but a filthy rumor! Um...did he look mad?

Actually, si. For much of the show he did. And speaking of which, what the heck was going on last night? Six Feet Under got almost entirely shut out??!

I guess an HBO series can only win an award if it features an unfair Italian stereotype or Kim Cattrall's nude body.

Too bad. I really love that show.

Huh? How do you watch it?

José hooked us up some illegal cable last month. I thought surely you would have known by all the swearing and violence coming out of the TV lately.

I just thought Fox had finally sunk to the ultimate low.

But still, I'm mad. What won Best Drama instead? West Wing?

Si. Plus, Stockard Channing won Best Supporting Actress for the show.

Which one was she last night?

The one with the really bizarre horizontal cleavage.

Oh yeah. Boy, I tell you, between her, Allison Janney, Rob Lowe, and Aaron Sorkin, the crew of The West Wing must have been sharing at least four hundred pounds of pure cocaine.

Maybe that's what Larry King got smacked with. Anyway, what else won?

What else won?? Weren't you covering this?

Si, but I was busy for a while trying to bribe my way out of the squad car.

What finally worked?

Screener tapes. Man, do cops dig Smallville.

So, what did you do on the red carpet?

Well, I tried to interview celebrities as they walked toward the auditorium.

Sounds cool. Did you talk to anybody neat?

Well, I thought I had finally caught up with Janice from The Muppet Show, but it turned out it was only Melissa Rivers.

Ewww..... What, were they filming a Mr. Ed movie somewhere nearby?

Oh! I did talk to Michael Chiklis, who as you know won Best Actor in a Drama for The Shield.

Ah si, The Shield. The grittier, louder Commish.

That was such a cool show.

Remember the one when The Commish broke up that international crime ring in his own unique street-wise, lovable wiseguy way?

It seems to ring a bell. Was it second season?

Hmm...I think maybe later.

Oh, well, then nope, I ain't seen it. After Cyd left, it just didn't seem like The Commish to me.

There's a career that went nowhere.

What do you mean? She was in Wrongfully Accused.

There's a career that went nowhere.

Who won the stuff for the comedy shows? I missed that part.

Let's see....Jennifer Aniston's hair won Best Actress in a Comedy Series.

That's great. Because when I think of a lead actress, I often consider one member of a six person ensemble.

Umm.....Friends also proved that no pact with Satan can come too late by winning the Best Comedy Series award.

That show is still on? Without a single gay character?

And the bottomlessly unfunny Everybody Loves Raymond took home the rest of the acting Emmys.

Whatever happened to the Emmys saluting the best programming on television?

Well, Oprah Winfrey did get the Living Zombie...err, I mean Bob Hope Award.

There's not too many people who can say that they have Bob Hope's head on their mantle.

Si. Right now, only two. Oprah and Mrs. Hope.

Did I miss anything else interesting?

Well, Bernie Mac didn't know what the word "eponymous" meant.

What?? I'm a barely literate Tamalian orphan who's slowly learning English from an eight foot canary, and even I know what "eponymous" means!

What made it more humiliating was that he kept going on about it while he was presenting.

I guess he was hoping Lauren Ambrose was going to toss him a pocket Webster's or something.

Smart move there, Bernie. It's the first time anyone white or over 21 will see you on television. It's a good idea to revel in your ignorance.

Was it true that Bob Newhart and Suzanne Pleshette showed up?

Si. I bet you that's the next show to have a home video infomercial....err, I mean "reunion retrospective."

Hey, are you telling me you have a problem with The Carol Burnett Show?

Chiwawa Boy, every time I've turned on VH1 this past month, I see Vicki Lawrence talking about "The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia." So si, you bet your ass I have a problem with everything and everyone related to The Carol Burnett Show.

Except Harvey Korman, right?

Right, except Korman. He's da bomb.

So, I missed most of the ceremony...but I was allowed to go to some of the post-show parties.

How did that go?

Not too well. At least four people thought I was one of the prosthetic corpses from Six Feet Under, and I got into a shouting match with the Farnsworth widow.

But, it's just as well that you missed most of the Emmys, Chiwawa Boy. When truly outstanding shows like Six Feet Under and Andy Richter Controls the Universe get snubbed, while the blandest crap like Friends and Everybody Loves Raymond get the biggest honors, then it just makes me lose my faith in the television industry.

Aww, Amiço, don't say that.

And I tell you this much....I will never be caught dead on any television show for as long as I live.

But......this fall.....we're going to.....what about the....

Oh, that doesn't count. I mean a show that somebody will watch!

So, you're turning your back completely on television?

Si! It will just be movies for me from now on. What's coming out this weekend?

Sweet Home Alabama.

Sigh.....there is no God.

The Gama News Team ©2002 GAMA Productions. The Gama News Team and its related characters are the exclusive properties of GAMA Productions. All rights reserved.

The José Trio concept, Amiço, and Chiwawa Boy are the exclusive properties of Catra Enterprizes, a Catra-Dohtem, Inc. company.