Our recurring feature in which Gama News political experts Amiço and Chiwawa Boy of The José Trio discuss and debate each other on current world news and events


August, 2006
Pluto

by
Amiço and Chiwawa Boy

Hola everyone! Chiwawa Boy and I are just in the middle of discussing Pluto.

Why are we discussing Pluto again?

Because it's no longer a planet.

What??

You heard me.

What happened?? Did it blow up?

Huh? No...no, it's still there.

Then what are you trying to scare me for?

I'm not.

Si, si, you are...making up lies about Pluto not being a planet anymore.

But that part's true!

Impossible. Planets don't just disappear, Amiço.

No, no, C.B. What I mean is we're not allowed to call it a planet anymore.

Wha? Why the heck not??

Because earlier this month it was decided that Pluto is no longer a planet in the scientific sense.

Who decided that?

Um, a bunch of scientists I think. I don't recall any of their names.

Why is it not a planet anymore?

Well, some of the criteria has changed.

How? Is Pluto now trapezoid-shaped?

No, but evidently they have found newer spherical entities that aren't planets but are larger than Pluto.

Really?

Si, such as Xena.

What?

Xena.

Xena?

Si, Xena.

As in Xena: Warrior Princess?

Si. Xena.

That's the name of the new planet?

No, it's not a planet.

They gave it a name that is coincidentally shared with a sexy fantasy warrior heroine?

Um, nope. Actually, I think the name was inspired by the show.

Let's see if I got this straight....

Okay.

They named a new planet--err, I mean, a new spherical entity after the title character of a syndicated action show?

Umm, si.

Okay, just wanted to be sure. Let's move on.

Anyway, so Xena is bigger than Pluto. Plus, like Pluto, it also has its own moon.

The moon isn't called "Hercules," is it?

No, no, that's silly.

I should say so....

It's Gabrielle.

Oh dear god.

What?

Nada, nada. So is Xena the only reason why Pluto is now off the list?

Not at all. Actually, the official reason was because Pluto had not cleared the neighborhood.

Um, what?

You know, clearing the neighborhood. It's a space term.

Is that like when José lets one go when he's in the backyard?

No! I think it means when an orbiting body's gravitational pull either sucks other things in or pushes them away into other orbits.

So...Pluto is no longer a planet because it doesn't muscle crap out of its way?

Si. It's the "Bully Clause."

I hate Tim Allen.

What do you think, Chiwawa Boy? Do you think Pluto should be classified as a planet?

Well, what is it now?

Huh?

If it's no longer a planet, then what the hell is it?

A dwarf planet.

Are you kidding?

No, why?

What's a dwarf planet?

My guess is it's like a planet...only smaller.

So...wait a minute...aw, never mind.

So what do you think? Planet or no?

It has all the flavor of a planet, but in bite-sized form!

C.B.? Planet or not?

Oh, what difference does it make??

What do you mean?

People have been debating Pluto's status back and forth since 1992. I can promise you that this won't be the end of it!

You think we'll soon see a heavy "pro-planet"/"anti-planet" debate?

Absolutely! You think the abortion debate gets out of hand? Wait until you see best friends at MIT or COSI go after each other with sticks and signs!

Museums will be firebombed.

Astronomers will receive death threats.

And Bush would try to legislate whichever side his religion is pushing for.

Do you think there will be a religious aspect to this thing?

Well, that's hard to say. It seems every year lately we're now discovering some new planet or moon, and some are even outside of this solar system. As much as everyone likes to claim that God created Earth and blessed it as the only one to support life, it would seem pretty weird that He would even bother with creating other planets, let alone whole other solar systems.

But the universe is God's wallpaper for the sky.

That is so stupid. Did you just make that up?

Sigh...si.

And don't give me the "thunder is angels bowling" crap either.

It will be pretty interesting to see how far the Pluto debate goes.

Meanwhile this planet is going to hell.

What, you mean literally or...?

Well, I'm speaking more environmentally.

Ah, gotcha. Well, if it helps, scientists are trying to find ways to help the environment.

No they're not! Right now they're all too busy arguing with each other about Pluto!

Oh, come on Amiço, you can't really believe that.

There are so many problems that we have to deal with on this planet that will affect the next immediate generation. Do you see anyone coming up with any breakthroughs on global warming? Or rainforest destruction? Or those pig shit geysers??

Well, that stuff takes time. You know that.

I'm telling you, Chiwawa Boy, most people just don't care. They're more interested in meeting Mr. Spock than they are their own grandchildren.

So, is Vulcan still a planet?


He Said/He Said July, 2006: The Anti-War Movement
He Said/He Said May, 2006: Surveillance
He Said/He Said April, 2006: Immigration
He Said/He Said February, 2006: Anniversaries
He Said/He Said December, 2005: War on Christmas
He Said/He Said September, 2005: Hurricane Preparation
He Said/He Said July, 2005: Presidential Diversions
He Said/He Said May, 2005: Revenge of the Ditz
He Said/He Said April, 2005: The Pope
He Said/He Said February, 2005: Cartoons
He Said/He Said December, 2004: New Year's Past
He Said/He Said October, 2004: Amiço and Chiwawa Boy's Super-Cool Election Spectacular!
He Said/He Said August, 2004: Terror Alerts
He Said/He Said June, 2004: The Gipper
He Said/He Said March, 2004: Language
He Said/He Said February, 2004: Nudity
He Said/He Said January, 2004: State of Delusion
He Said/He Said December, 2003: 2003: The Obligatory Year in Review
He Said/He Said October, 2003: Marriage Protection Week
He Said/He Said September, 2003: Blackouts and Rub-outs
He Said/He Said July, 2003: Virginity and Celebrity
He Said/He Said April, 2003: France
He Said/He Said March, 2003: War
He Said/He Said February, 2003: Award Season
He Said/He Said December, 2002: Resolutions
He Said/He Said October, 2002: Fear
He Said/He Said September, 2002: The Emmys
He Said/He Said August, 2002: Baseball
He Said/He Said June, 2002: The Pledge
He Said/He Said May, 2002: Cloning
He Said/He Said February, 2002: Sex
He Said/He Said January, 2002: The State of the Union
He Said/He Said December, 2001: The Holidays
He Said/He Said August, 2001: McDonald's
He Said/He Said July, 2001: Music
He Said/He Said May, 2001: The Death Penalty
He Said/He Said March, 2001: The Oscars
He Said/He Said February, 2001: Napster


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The José Trio concept, Amiço, and Chiwawa Boy are the exclusive properties of Catra Enterprizes, a Catra-Dohtem, Inc. company.