Our recurring feature in which Gama News political experts Amiço and Chiwawa Boy of The José Trio discuss and debate each other on current world news and events

August, 2004
Terror Alerts

Amiço and Chiwawa Boy

Hey, Amiço, are you all stocked up?

With what?

Supplies in case of a terrorist attack.

What? No! Why, are you??

Si...Tom Ridge said that our "enemies" could hit us at any moment. In fact, New York and New Jersey were put on higher alert.

And what does that mean?

Well, it means...um...that, err...you should...I think it has something to do with your PIN number.

Isn't it a coincidence that Tom Ridge announced this supposed new threat right when the press was questioning whether or not the Department of Homeland Security was working?

You serious?

Si. The day before his announcement, CNN's web poll asked people if he deserved a proposed raise.

Hmm, that is odd.

And he just happens to mention New York as a potential target, site of their Republican National Convention this year.

Well, this whole "Bush may delay the election if threats warrant it" thing does bother me a bit, but honestly, do you really think the White House would be so Wag the Dog-ish?

Oh, absolutely. Bush's only chance of winning the election is by scaring the hell out of everybody.


Sure! Why else would they announce that there is a supposed plot just "coincidentally" around Election Day? They want people to be too afraid to leave their house that day.

Why do you think the Election Day thing is a plot?

Because according to the White House, the plot is meant to affect the events of that day. There's been another "warning" saying that they could attack again on September 11 of this year. Well, the only flaw in these reported "plots" is that the Muslim nations and groups, with the exception of religious holidays, don't regard specific days and dates in the same obsessive, holier-than-thou way that this country does. To the Saudis, September 11 could have been any frickin' day of the year. The only people who would care if its Election Day are the Americans.

Good point.

Besides, what color on the terror chart is New York at now?

Umm, I dunno...I think they just said they're on a "higher" alert.

But isn't that what the stupid colored chart is supposed to indicate? Isn't it a bit strange that they don't actually use the chart when they announce specific potential targets?

Are you saying the system is flawed?

C.B., I'm saying the colored terrorism chart is a bloody hoax...a visual aid concocted to make us fools feel safer and think that Bush supposedly knows what he's doing.

We need to change that then.

Agreed. What do you propose?

Well, it seems to me that the problem is that people aren't quite sure what to do when the chart reaches a certain color, right?

Si. They don't know how to react...what to feel.

Well then, we need to make people associate terror threat levels with something they can relate to.

And what is that?

Why, summer movies!

Hey, that's not a bad idea!

Using the same arbitrary five-tiered structure, we should set the lowest level to Spider-Man 2.

Makes sense...safe, easily accessible family fun.

For the "guarded" level, we then raise it to another sequel, Shrek 2.

Hmm...still safe, but just not a guarantee that everyone will have a good time. Good job so far....

And instead of being at "elevated," we're now at The Village.

Pretty good analogy...the world looks promising, but at any second things could take a turn for the worse.

For "high" alert, Dodgeball.

Why Dodgeball?

Because the country would be in as much danger as Ben Stiller's career.

Ah..gotcha. And finally, instead of "severe," what? The Terminal?

Nada...that's way too cerebral. The highest level of threat is Catwoman...I don't think there's any other word in the English language that's more quickly associated with the word "bomb."

Works for me...and I don't think any of those distinctions will make anyone as freaked out as an "orange alert" does. Way to go, Chiwawa Boy!

Of course, it would be nice if we had someone running the country who actually understood the dangers of using terrorist threats for political gain.

Si, really...talk about the boy who cried "wolf." By the way, what level are we at now?

I dunno...I can't figure out this system.

You and Tom Ridge both.

He Said/He Said June, 2004: The Gipper
He Said/He Said March, 2004: Language
He Said/He Said February, 2004: Nudity
He Said/He Said January, 2004: State of Delusion
He Said/He Said December, 2003: 2003: The Obligatory Year in Review
He Said/He Said October, 2003: Marriage Protection Week
He Said/He Said September, 2003: Blackouts and Rub-outs
He Said/He Said July, 2003: Virginity and Celebrity
He Said/He Said April, 2003: France
He Said/He Said March, 2003: War
He Said/He Said February, 2003: Award Season
He Said/He Said December, 2002: Resolutions
He Said/He Said October, 2002: Fear
He Said/He Said September, 2002: The Emmys
He Said/He Said August, 2002: Baseball
He Said/He Said June, 2002: The Pledge
He Said/He Said May, 2002: Cloning
He Said/He Said February, 2002: Sex
He Said/He Said January, 2002: The State of the Union
He Said/He Said December, 2001: The Holidays
He Said/He Said August, 2001: McDonald's
He Said/He Said July, 2001: Music
He Said/He Said May, 2001: The Death Penalty
He Said/He Said March, 2001: The Oscars
He Said/He Said February, 2001: Napster

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The José Trio concept, Amiço, and Chiwawa Boy are the exclusive properties of Catra Enterprizes, a Catra-Dohtem, Inc. company.