Hey, Chiwawa Boy. Did you go to McDonald's this weekend?

Si. Why?

This weekend they are supposed to give everyone something to apologize for that whole rigged Monopoly game thing they were running.

Really? I wondered why there was a big line outside.

So, what did you get from them?

What? Nothing.

Nothing at all??

Nada! In fact, as soon as I walked in they tried pushing this McRib Extra Value Meal onto me.

Bleach!

Hey Amiço, do you remember Ronald McDonald?

Si.

It was such a shame when he was murdered.

Huh?

Oh, you know. Oliver Stone even did that movie Who Killed Ronald McDonald?, remember?

I thought they had to change the name to "MacDonald" because they couldn't get permission from the company?

I don't like the new Ronald.

Me neither. Each new Ronald they've used since the late 1980's have seemed younger and gayer than the previous one.

I like Grimace better. And remember that weird apple tree thing?

Si. They built a big plastic one in the McDonald's near me when I was growing up. It scared the hell out of me.

And whatever happened to Mayor McCheese?

They had to stop using him because he looked too much like one of Sid and Marty Kroft's characters.

I didn't think he looked like a bad acid trip.

Hey, do you remember The Big Mac?

Si. That's what I ordered instead of a McRib.

No no no, they had a character called The Big Mac. He was the same species as Mayor McCheese. I think he was McDonaldland's gangster. Birdie was his ho, if I'm not mistaken.

Does McDonald's still use The Burger King character, too?

Um.....no. That was Burger King, C.B.

Oh yeah. I used to love Whalers.

And don't get me started on the Fry-Guys. Or that Hamburglar fella.

Didn't he die of high blood pressure?

I'm just sorry I missed out on most of those characters. When I moved in with you guys in Tamale, they had just about stopped using all of those guys.

What did McDonald's use in their commercials in Guadalupe?

Oh, Ronald was there of course, but he dressed more like a used car dealer. There was also this big chicken called Roberto that would get so excited about Happy Meals that his head would blow off the top of his body.

Uh.......really?

Si. The Chicken McNuggets down there were called "Roberto Parts."

No Grimace? No Birdie?

Actually in one commercial they were living together in a stable but bitter marriage. A bright pink Fry-Guy was their child, or as he was called in the ads, "El Bambino Loco."

Is that why you moved up to Tamale?

Well, that and the aqua was less brown.

Si. Arby's never had a mascot, did they?

In the early 80's, they had Zeke the Hormone-Driven Cowboy. Unfortunately, several watchdog groups out there didn't like the commercials ending with him raping the stable-maiden.

Imagine the kid meal prizes.

Wendy's of course had the "Where's the beef?" lady and now the "I hate everything but bacon" guy.

Dave Thomas?

Si, that's him. Jack-in-the-Box has that little Mr. Bill rip-off....Eat n' Park has Jack-in-the-Box's little Mr. Bill rip-off's severed head....

I like the new Rally's commercials.

What?? Their slogan is "You gotta eat." They might as well say "Eat our crap instead of starving to death."

I miss the Taco Bell dog.

You know what they did with him, right?

No. What?

Well....let's just say stay away from the "Oriental Chalupa."

I miss the La Choy Dragon, too.

The Gama News Team ©2001 GAMA Productions. The Gama News Team and its related characters are the exclusive properties of GAMA Productions. All rights reserved.

The José Trio concept, Amiço, and Chiwawa Boy are the exclusive properties of Catra Enterprizes, a Catra-Dohtem, Inc. company.