Our recurring feature in which Gama News political experts Amiço and Chiwawa Boy of The José Trio discuss and debate each other on current world news and events

May, 2001
The Death Penalty

Amiço and Chiwawa Boy

Chiwawa Boy, do you support the death penalty?

What's that?

That's when someone dies as punishment for committing a crime.

You mean like when I step on a bug?

Why would you do that? What crime did it commit?

Let's say it stung me.

Well then, it's not as simple as that. The first thing to happen would be they would need to arrest the bug.

How do they arrest a bug?

I don't know!

Where do they find handcuffs small enough for a bug??

I don't know!! C.B., we're using your example!

I know, but they must have some procedure to retain a bug!

Okay, fine! Then let's say they put it in a mayonaise jar!

But the poor thing would suffocate in there, Amiço. It wouldn't even make it to the trial!

But if you already stepped on it...

What? Oh no no, let's say it just stung me and I didn't step on it. I only threatened to sue.

Sigh, okay...

Besides, if it stung me and I then stepped on it, the police probably wouldn't even arrest it. They would just look at it like an accident and tell us to swap insurance information.

Can we get on with this?

I wonder if bugs carry their information with them...

Anyway, the next thing is the cops would have to find evidence that the bug committed the crime.

How do I prove a bug stung me?

Well, it all depends on what kind of bug. Bees and wasps sometimes leave their stingers in their prey.

They do?? Amiço, that's disgusting!

So let's say it's a wasp...

No. I don't like bees or wasps now. Let's just say it's a bug.

Just a bug? You mean, just a random, generic, speciesless bug?

Yeah, like the kind cats eat.

Fine...you'd need to have some evidence that points to the bug as the culprit. Would you have any witnesses who saw what happened?

No, I don't. Will you be a witness for me, por favor?

Okay, fine. I'll be your witness. I saw the bug sting you and I will testify to that in court.

Oh good. Gracias.

And that leads to the next step. The case will go to court, where a jury of the bug's...peers will decide if it is guilty or innocent.

Well, that sounds easy.

It usually isn't. Some trials last months and even years.

You mean like the O.J. Simpson murder trial?

Si! Exactly!

Good thing when that was all over he was sentenced to death.

Um...Chiwawa Boy...he came out of that innocent.

I beg to differ, but I saw his funeral on TV.

What the hell are you talking about?

So, what happens if the bug wins?

Well, then you may face a lawsuit from the bug accusing you of defamation of character.

Eww, I wouldn't like that, no sir. Let's say the bug is guilty and it's sentenced to death.

For stinging you.


Okay...next the judge would decide how the bug will die.

Can't I just step on it?

Um, in theory, si. But recently for the death penalty they have been using some kind of shot.

A shot to the head? That would kill anyone!

No no, like a needle shot.

Oh. I don't like needles.

Si, me neither. I think they also used to do death by gas.

Gas? What kind of gas?

I dunno. You don't think like when we're behind José at a taco buffet?

A taco buffet if we're lucky! José's gas is a complete mystery...like Bigfoot, or Studio 54, you know, where the aliens hang out.

If they're lucky enough to get in.

Well, all that one guy did was take off his shirt.

Huh? Who?

That kid, you know. The twerp that was in Cruel Intentions. He also played that really annoying guy in I Know What You Did Last Summer.

Which annoying guy?

You know. Remember, the one who was killed and you started cheering.

Oh yeah! The kid who thinks he's a badass.

Si. Si.

Boy, if there was ever anyone who should be put to death...

Why? Who did he sting?

He Said/He Said March, 2001: The Oscars
He Said/He Said February, 2001: Napster

The Gama News Team ©2001 GAMA Productions. The Gama News Team and its related characters are the exclusive properties of GAMA Productions. All rights reserved.

The José Trio concept, Amiço, and Chiwawa Boy are the exclusive properties of Catra Enterprizes, a Catra-Dohtem, Inc. company.