So Amiço, where were you when the Pope died?

Huh?

Where were you when Pope John Paul II died?

I have no idea. Who keeps track of that??

Amiço, the man was a great religious leader.

So? According to some, so are Louis Farrakhan and Jerry Falwell.

Hey, that is a horrible thing to say! You're comparing the Pope with a racist and...um, an insane person?

Which is which?

Hm, good point, but still....

Chiwawa Boy, the Pope was against masturbation.

He was?

Si!

Uh oh...um, I mean, why?

Well, back in the day the Catholic church didn't want any competition for a person's love. It was "Love only God or go to Hell!" So, it's kind of a jealousy thing.

Ah, do not worship or yank on false idols, eh?

Exactly.

So okay, that's one, but come on, the Pope wasn't all that bad! Remember when he visited his own attacker in the hospital?

Well, it would have been hypocritical otherwise, C.B. And thanks to that nut, they had to build that freakin' Popemobile thing for him. What is he, a superhero now?

It would be cool if there was a Pope action figure that came with that.

Um...si, sure. But anyway, no, I have no need for a pope. I don't need an old guy with a stick to tell me how to avoid damnation...unless he does in fact have magical powers and has actually visited Hell.

Si, really, how do we know for sure where John Paul ended up anyway? He could have been wrong all along. When he was here he didn't know for sure.

The fact of the matter is that you don't need a guy or a book or a building to find meaning or enlightenment. The heart is the temple where all truth lies.

Didn't George Burns say that in Oh, God?

Who else would you rather listen to on the subject?

Uh-huh...anyway, so they elected a new pope like a week later.

They elect popes?

Si, from a selection of cardinals from around the world.

No "Royal Rumbles" or reality shows to whittle down the choices?

I guess not, even though that would probably get people to watch PAX for once.

So, I imagine this time they decided to go a different route, right? Maybe a female pope? Or perhaps a black or Asian pope?

Um, nope. Actually, it's another very old, doughy white guy.

What?!?

Si, unfortunately.

Caramba! Well, who is it??

Um, it's a German cardinal named Joseph Ratzinger.

Pope Ratskiwatski??

No, no, no, he gets to pick a name. He's Pope Benedict XVI.

Pope Benedict XVI?? That sounds like a character from the friggin' Star Wars prequels.

Hee hee...I think the name sounds like a movie itself. Pope Benedict XVI: The Quest for Peace.

Pope Benedict...aye, yi yi. A German pope named after an American traitor...hmm, interesting.

What's wrong with a German religious leader? What could possibly go wrong?

Wasn't Hitler a religious nut, too?

That was completely uncalled for! You're comparing the new Pope with Hitler??

Would you rather I compare him with Falwell?

Okay, Hitler it is.

So, what does this mean now? All non-whites going to be shut out?

Um, apparently so, si. He once said that the "liberation theology" of the poor in Latin America will lead to Communism.

Oh great, he's against Latinos! He didn't say anything about Tamale, did he?

I can't find any quotes yet, but remember that female agnostic priest who lived down the street from José?<

Si....

Well, it seems she inspired a little tantrum this guy had last year about the ordination of women. He said that assertive women coming into power in the church would open the door for homosexuality.

Oh, so he's against women and gays. There's a shocker.<

He also hates Turkey.

Um, the bird or the country?

Probably both, but he was against Turkey joining the European Union. He said that because Turkey citizens are predominantly Muslim, it supposedly "represented a different continent, always in contrast with Europe."

Or rather, his own narrow-minded view of what Europe should be.

Evidently.

This is depressing. The only thing that can make this jerk even less appealing is if he condoled all the molesting that was going on.

Um....

No, do NOT tell me!

In 2002 he said "I am personally convinced that the constant presence in the press of the sins of Catholic priests, especially in the United States, is a planned campaign, as the percentage of these offenses among priests is not higher than in other categories and perhaps it is even lower...Therefore, one comes to the conclusion that it is intentional, manipulated, that there is a desire to discredit the church."

So, he's not worried that young boys are being abused or that priests are using his religion as a veil to excuse themselves from it. He's more concerned about the bad P.R.??

Uh-huh.

Disgustipating.

Well, if it helps, the press says he is a hipper pope for this generation.

What? Why?

Because he has an e-mail address!

So? Dick Cheney has an e-mail address!

They said that so many people had e-mailed him since his...um, poping, that they had to shut it down and filter out all the spam.

What the hell kind of spam would the Pope get??

Hee hee..."I was on my way to Hell until I took these pills! It made my faith BIGGER!"

Or how about "Hello BENEDICT XVI, your home at 00120 VIA DEL PELLEGRINO can earn you BIG CA$H!!!"

Sigh...Amiço, do you think we'll go to Hell for this conversation?

Chiwawa Boy, sometimes it doesn't matter where you end up; it's how you enjoy the ride that counts.

Well said.

And what kind of pompous place is Vatican City that it needs to be its own country anyway?!?

I think even Tamale is bigger.

We should go launch a war against them.

That would be some...hee hee...holy shit.

Oh, for the love of....

The Gama News Team ©2005 GAMA Productions. The Gama News Team and its related characters are the exclusive properties of GAMA Productions. All rights reserved.

The José Trio concept, Amiço, and Chiwawa Boy are the exclusive properties of Catra Enterprizes, a Catra-Dohtem, Inc. company.