Hmm....

What's up, Amiço?

The FCC has flip-flopped and is now saying that Bono's use of the F-word at last year's Golden Globes ceremony was in fact "obscene."

Wow, that's a shock!

What, that they changed their minds?

No, that anyone watched the Golden Globes!

The FCC is also proposing maximum fines for radio stations that air Howard Stern's show because of language.

What? Why? Did Howard say something really bad?

Nothing out of the ordinary.

Did Bono say something recently that made them reconsider his incident?

Nuh-uh.

Then what's with the language policing?

Janet Jackson.

What?!? What did she say?

Nothing...still the boob thing.

Oh sweet jumpin' jesus!

Hey! Wha' happened?? Where'd my letters go??

Oh yeah, I was supposed to tell you about that. This month José is Beta-testing a new FCC-approved HTML hack that removes any "obscene" language from a web page.

What the hell are you talking about? Hey! It happened again!

Si. It bleeps "obscene" words that same way they do on TV now, in which you get a vague sense of the word without actually hearing it.

I never understood that technique. Isn't the bleeping out of a word done so that kids and Mormons don't know which "bad word" is being said? If you keep the first and last consonants, then they're probably going to be able to make a really good guess!

I know, I know, but that's just what this hack does. Go ahead and try it!

Okay, umm...I have to take a really big shit.

See?

Si. Get the fock out of my face or I'll tear you a new asshole!

Um, nice job. Now then--

Sock my filthy possy or I'll beat the motherfockin' crap out of you, ya goddamn cucksocker!!!

Uhhh...yeah.

So they're doing all this because some geek exposed a sagging middle-aged breast?

Well, I don't think it's as...ahem, black and white as that.

Who made this decision?

The FCC.

Well, this is simple. We'll just vote out those FCC people the next time they're up for reelection.

They're not elected.

Pardon?

They're appointed.

Wow, just like Bush. Well then, we'll just have to go to whichever local governments control the FCC.

Um, they're answerable only to the president.

What?? Are you serious?

Si.

But aren't television and radio airwaves owned by the public?

Ideally...

So, an unelected governing council that answers only to the president gets to set the rules for something that is owned by the public?

Um, pretty much, yeah.

And these untouchable people have deemed both Bono and Howard Stern as obscene?

Si.

Based on what?

Well, the FCC has defined profanity as "language challenging God's divinity."

What?!?

It's sorta like some homophobic redneck defining what "marriage" is, huh?

And which words are considered "profanity?"

The "seven."

Huh? The seven? You mean George Carlin's seven??

Si.

So, this unelected group of people that answer only to the president have decided what is and what isn't obscene based solely on a comedy routine?

Si.

That's like the ATF making a law based on Larry Miller's "At 11:00" bit.

I know. People are being forced into believing in someone else's ideas and opinions of "obscenity" and they don't even realize it.

Let's say people finally do wake up from this They Live-esque fog the FCC has put them under. Then what?

Well, then they need to take the public airwaves back from the FCC and the media corporations. It's probably not going to be as simple as just writing to a congressman, but it's a start.

Would getting rid of Bush help?

It couldn't hurt! If you need a reason to vote him out, then that's as good as any.

Until then, what are we going to do?? I can't take all my swears being covered up.

Yeah, since you often talk like a sailor. But anyway, this Beta HTML hack only lasts for a month. So I guess we can just come up with alternate curse words in the meantime.

Okay let's start! Um...as--I mean, the A-word.

Easy. Combine that with "can"..."cass!"

You casshole, hee hee! Okay, uh, the S-word.

The sword?

No! The S-word!

Ohh...um, oh! I know! We'll combine that with that other synonym to make "crit!"

Not "shap?"

Hey, even better!

What about the C-word?

Sheesh...which one?

Good point. Well then, what about the granddaddy of them all, the F-word?

I was already trying to think of one. I guess we could go the honorary route and use "bono," but that's kinda hard to conjugate.

Si...he, she, it bonos?

So then I thought of some other colorful verbs that are often used instead. Combine them and you have..."burg!"

Wow, that's pretty good. Burg you!

Burg you, too!

You lying motherburger!

Crit, I am the burger king!

Well this will be a fun month! But still, it stinks that this country embraces the idea of freedom of speech, yet a very select few get to decide which specific speech is allowed.

And these select few are not only paid well, but they have carte blanche over all media and they happily receive bribes and kickbacks from the various media conglomerates.

Now that's obscene!

Fockin' A! (you didn't really think all the real words would be hidden, did you?)

The Gama News Team ©2004 GAMA Productions. The Gama News Team and its related characters are the exclusive properties of GAMA Productions. All rights reserved.

The José Trio concept, Amiço, and Chiwawa Boy are the exclusive properties of Catra Enterprizes, a Catra-Dohtem, Inc. company.