Our recurring feature in which Gama News political experts Amiço and Chiwawa Boy of The José Trio discuss and debate each other on current world news and events


February, 2006
Anniversaries

by
Amiço and Chiwawa Boy

Amiço! Happy anniversary!!!

Hey, Chiwawa Boy.

That's it?? "Hey, Chiwawa Boy?"

Si, I guess.

Amiço, this is the fifth anniversary of our column here at Dohtem.com! You've been talking about this for weeks, and now all you can say is "Hey, Chiwawa Boy??"

Si.

Oh, I forgot to ask, how did your weekend go?

Meh.

"Meh?" What, didn't you go out camping with José like you were supposed to?

Si.

Well, how did it go??

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, come on....

NO!

What, was it boring?

Not in the least.

Oh no...José didn't try to go Deliverance on you, did he?

Qué? No!

Oh bueno. Whew!

There was just an incident is all.

Really? What happened?

I really don't want to go into it.

C'mon Amiço, you know you can trust me.

Sigh...very well. José shot me.

What? WHAT?!?

It's nothing, really. We were just out bird-hunting and there was an accident.

"Accident??" Well, where did he shoot you?

Nowhere, just in the face.

The FACE?!? José accidentally shot you in the face??

It's nada, really. It was just a BB gun.

But still, are you okay??

Si, si, the BB hit me in the glasses. I just got knocked down and got a bruise from the impact, but really, I'm fine.

How the heck did José shoot you in the face??

Well, he was circling in on a flock of robins while I was standing off to the side. When they all flew up into the sky, José shot at them. When I came to, José told me I was in the line of fire.

Were you levitating?

Huh? Of course not.

Did these birds have a low center of gravity?

I don't think so.

Then how were you in the line of fire?

Well...hmm...I don't know. That's a good question. I should probably ask that other person what happened.

What other person?

José invited the ambassador to Switzerland to come with us...a really nice lady. You didn't hear it from me, but it looked like something was going on between those two, if you know what I mean.

Well, how are you feeling now?

I'm fine, Chiwawa Boy, really. Let's just get on with this.

"Get on with this?" Amiço, this is our fifth anniversary here.

Si, you're right, you're right. This should be fun. So, what do you want to talk about this month?

Well, I've been saving all the e-mails we've received over the years--

Why?

So we can answer some of the more intriguing questions sent in.

Um, okay.

You don't want to, do you?

Well--oh, what the heck, it sounds like fun. Go ahead.

Maravilloso! Here's one from our first column ever: "How can you two be anti-Napster?"

What's a Napster?

I have no idea.

That was from 2001, right?

Si. Evidently there was something called a Napster back then. Here's another letter: "Why do you hate Bush so much?"

Because we shouldn't be honoring incest and substance abuse in this country.

Hee hee...he certainly has become a unique cat in recent months.

What does he want to do now? Allow a company backed by the Arab government to control a number of our ports?

Si. This is only one of the three governments in the whole world to recognize the Taliban, not to mention one of the governments that funded some of the 9/11 terrorists.

He just never runs out of ideas, does he?

I guess he just wants to make it clear exactly how far up his ass they are. Let's see...oh, here's a good one: "Dear Amiço and Chiwawa Boy, you two often state your opposition to the war in Iraq. Are you against war in general, or just this one?" He goes on to ask, "What kind of military conflicts have there been in Tamale?"

Wow, good question. I like to think I'm not against the concept of war when it's absolutely necessary, but this...this shit.

Have you been watching the news lately? Iraq is about a rude comment away from a civil war.

It's heartbreaking. And for what?

I don't see how any rational person will be able to look back at the Bush administration and think of it as anything but a failure.

Thank goodness for term limits.

Oh, I'm sure they're working on obliterating that as well. Anyway, as far as what Tamale has been through, there was of course the Tamale-Somalian War twenty years ago.

Si, not to mention the little-known conflict with Cuba in the '70s.

But what many forget is that Tamale's military only consists of one guy. It's a budget thing.

Weren't you in the Reserves for a year?

It was a requirement to get out of the orphanage.

José comes from a military family, you know.

Why, because his padre was captured and sent to Gitmo?

That was a horrible Christmas.

Okay, new question, "How come you two don't speak Spanish that much? It seems as the columns have gone on you've spoken it less and less."

No sé de lo que está hablando esta persona.

Online it's really hard to tell, but we speak Tamalian Spanish, which is essentially English with a few choice Spanish words thrown in. When you hear us speak in person, it's quite obvious.

Nuestros acentos ofenden a menudo a gente.

Si. Let's see what else we got here...here's one: "What is your political ideology? You seem to be quite liberal to me."

Hmm, I guess I never really thought about it. I'm concerned about human rights, equality, and civil liberties. I believe that a nation should be able to trust its leader, and that a leader should never deceive, manipulate, or threaten the public just to go to war for petty, personal reasons. I'd like to think that such beliefs are more just plain old American than assigned to any one political party or way of thinking, but if that's what defines a liberal nowadays, so be it. I'm not ashamed for what I believe in.

I'm more of an anarchy fan myself.

You are not. You respect rules, authority, and etiquette.

Okay, controlled anarchy then.

Next question.

All righty..."How come you two don't really argue points back and forth but instead just sort of do characterized one-liners?"

Easy answer, because you're a douchebag.

Ahem, si, well, let's move on: "How come José doesn't show up in the column more often?" Good question.

Easy answer, because he's a douchebag.

Amiço, you can't keep calling everyone a "douchebag."

I can if they shoot me!

Point. A couple more here: "Where exactly is Tamale, and how come I've never heard of it before?"

That's because public schools are in the shithouse.

Hey, that's not fair. Tamale is an island about one-half mile off the coast of Key West, the southernmost and westernmost tip of the Florida Keys.

You can get to the Keys from Tamale via a jumping ramp.

As for why it's rarely spoken of, well, it's just a boring little island with no valuable attraction or natural resource where white guys speak butchered Spanish. It's sort of like if they made Chi-Chi's into a country.

Nevertheless, I am in the planning stages of writing the definitive history of our native land.

Really??

Well, it's mostly going to be the FAQ page on the Tamale web site padded with material from various Grisham novels.

What's it gonna be called?

A Million Little Tamales.

Ooo-kay. Next up, "How have your lives changed since you became American citizens?"

Hmm, well, first off, José gets called into jury duty every other week.

I'm sure that has to be a clerical glitch. Nobody would be called back that often!

I guess if anything, I just feel like I have more of a direct interest in what happens around here. Before, it would have been so easy to blow things off with "Oh well, it ain't my country." But now it is, and we all need to do whatever we can to help better this place we call home.

That was nice. I've just noticed I'm getting more credit card applications in the mail.

You're a citizen now...a gullible, neurotic, possessive American citizen with disposable income to blow.

I do?

Never mind. Any more questions, C.B.?

Si, one more: "You two talk and talk and talk all the time about what's wrong with this country, but is there any one thing either of you can suggest to improve it?"

Si, we need to do whatever we can to guarantee and protect civil rights for women, homosexuals, immigrants, and other minorities, whether it's by pressuring current lawmakers to pass laws or by voting for others who will.

I think we need to put a tighter cap on defense spending and create modest minimum requirements to ensure social and domestic spending.

Not a bad idea, considering the current budget proposal. Man, what a joke.

I dunno, Amiço, is all we suggest and talk about and dream really possible?

It all depends on us, I guess. We've got about eight months left to get our shit together.

Si. Oh! I almost forgot. Here, Amiço....

What is this? Give me a sec to unwrap it....

Well, I wasn't sure what kinda gifts were appropriate for fifth anniversaries. Wood was the traditional gift....

Um, you got me a small wooden bust of George W. Bush....

While silverware is the more modern gift for the fifth.

...with a butter knife wedged into his eye?

How do you like it?

Um, Chiwawa Boy...I, uh...really don't know what to say here.

I thought you'd like it.

All I got for you is an Amazon gift certificate.

It's all bueno. Happy anniversary, Amiço!

You too, C.B.!

Gracias.

At least now I'm armed for the next time I see José.


He Said/He Said December, 2005: War on Christmas
He Said/He Said September, 2005: Hurricane Preparation
He Said/He Said July, 2005: Presidential Diversions
He Said/He Said May, 2005: Revenge of the Ditz
He Said/He Said April, 2005: The Pope
He Said/He Said February, 2005: Cartoons
He Said/He Said December, 2004: New Year's Past
He Said/He Said October, 2004: Amiço and Chiwawa Boy's Super-Cool Election Spectacular!
He Said/He Said August, 2004: Terror Alerts
He Said/He Said June, 2004: The Gipper
He Said/He Said March, 2004: Language
He Said/He Said February, 2004: Nudity
He Said/He Said January, 2004: State of Delusion
He Said/He Said December, 2003: 2003: The Obligatory Year in Review
He Said/He Said October, 2003: Marriage Protection Week
He Said/He Said September, 2003: Blackouts and Rub-outs
He Said/He Said July, 2003: Virginity and Celebrity
He Said/He Said April, 2003: France
He Said/He Said March, 2003: War
He Said/He Said February, 2003: Award Season
He Said/He Said December, 2002: Resolutions
He Said/He Said October, 2002: Fear
He Said/He Said September, 2002: The Emmys
He Said/He Said August, 2002: Baseball
He Said/He Said June, 2002: The Pledge
He Said/He Said May, 2002: Cloning
He Said/He Said February, 2002: Sex
He Said/He Said January, 2002: The State of the Union
He Said/He Said December, 2001: The Holidays
He Said/He Said August, 2001: McDonald's
He Said/He Said July, 2001: Music
He Said/He Said May, 2001: The Death Penalty
He Said/He Said March, 2001: The Oscars
He Said/He Said February, 2001: Napster


The Gama News Team ©2006 GAMA Productions. The Gama News Team and its related characters are the exclusive properties of GAMA Productions. All rights reserved.

The José Trio concept, Amiço, and Chiwawa Boy are the exclusive properties of Catra Enterprizes, a Catra-Dohtem, Inc. company.