Hey Amiço, who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Hmm...I give up. Who?

You don't know that song??

Um, nope...why, should I?

Amiço, it's the theme to SpongeBob SquarePants!

Oh...you mean that show with the same eleven episodes Nickelodeon repeats over and over again ad nauseam?

Si! Exactly!

Isn't SpongeBob the guy all those crazy Christian fundamentalists are condemning because he's supposedly gay?

Si, unfortunately.

Well, Chiwawa Boy, you watch the show more than I do. Is he gay?

Of course not!

But how do you know?

Well, first of all, he has a casual girlfriend, Sandy the squirrel!

What do you mean "casual?"

Wellll, they're really good friends and they hang out together a lot. They have more of a friendly competitive relationship, like trying to defeat each other in karate and extreme sports.

Really?

Si...it's probably because SpongeBob comes off as very prepubescent, but they do act like "tween" boyfriend-and-girlfriend. It's really sweet.

And does SpongeBob have close relationships with any male friends?

Well, there's Patrick the starfish, who lives a couple of houses down. They do sometimes act a little dainty when they're together, but it's very clear they're just buddies. They're close friends, like you and me.

Does SpongeBob do anything else that might be considered "gay?"

Absolutely nada. He's just this cute little silly sea sponge who lives with his pet snail.

So, let's see if I got this straight...a childlike underwater sea sponge lives alone and has a casual romantic relationship with a furry mammal...and fundamentalists needed to come up with something imaginary to complain about?!?

Um, pretty much, si.

Why exactly do they think SpongeBob is gay?

Well, supposedly because he isn't seen with too many females and he hangs around with Patrick a lot.

This is a kids' show, right?

Si.

So, would they rather it had hardcore sex scenes in it?? I mean, is there really a need to depict a children's cartoon character as sexually active?

Hmm, good point. And also, apparently some gay-rights groups have embraced SpongeBob as a positive icon.

So? How does that make SpongeBob himself gay?

I have no idea.

I don't think anyone would accuse Cher of being a lesbian, and she's been touted as a gay icon. And what about Judy Garland? Or is Kermit the Frog gay because he sang "The Rainbow Connection?"

Si, I see your point.

Although, to be fair, I do have a problem with any kind of group claiming the membership of a fictional children's character. Real people are different, because they can actually confirm or deny stuff like that. But it's not like Nickelodeon is going to produce an episode with SpongeBob setting the record straight on his sexuality.

That would be a very special episode!

Aren't these the same pro-gay groups that were also parading around Bugs Bunny as a gay icon about twenty years ago?

I think so. It was because Bugs dressed up in women's clothes and kissed his male tormentors.

So?? So did Charlie Chaplin and the Three Stooges. Did that make them gay? Cripes, Chaplin only impregnated a teenage girl for cryin' out loud!

Why does crossdressing automatically make Americans assume someone is gay? Benny Hill and Monty Python were doing it for years and nobody in England thought anything of it...well, um, okay, with one exception there.

Folks, just leave Bugs alone. Allah knows he's had enough problems of his own lately!

Si, what on earth is with that new show they announced?? Isn't it called Mighty Money Looney Rangers or something?

I think it's Buzz Bunny and His Ass-Kicking Friends.

Buzz Bunny? Isn't that the name of some Dutch robotic cartoon character?

This is what happens when Warner Bros. hires producers who taped every episode of Sailor Moon but whose talents were too limited to work on Space Jam.

How about those names for the "new" characters? It's not Daffy Duck, it's Duck. He's not Taz, he's Spaz. And the Road Runner is now Roadster.

"Quick Steve, we need a bunch of derivative names and you only have fifteen seconds! Go!"

Seriously, why are they doing this?!?

Well, it's because Batman Beyond briefly made a lot of money for the studio by taking one of their evergreen properties and making it all futuristic and "hipper."

Are any of the original Warner Bros. animators still alive to see this monstrosity?

Director Norm McCabe is still alive. This new producer guy Sander Schwartz appeared with him in an interview the other day and, just to drive the point home, repeatedly kneed Norm in the crotch and smashed a cement block down on his head.

Sigh...why do they mess with cartoons so much??

It's not all cartoons, Chiwawa Boy. It's just the popular ones.

Do you mean like when Beavis and Butt-Head had to stop saying the word "fire" because some lazy parent let their kid burn their trailer down?

Or like when they had to cut an innocuous, non-sequitur of a joke about the Bill of Rights on Ren and Stimpy.

Or like those fools who condemned Bart Simpson for setting a bad example for children? Weren't those people called the Bushes??

Or like when CBS took Mighty Mouse off the air for sniffing a flower.

Or like when the Looney Tunes and Tom and Jerry were heavily edited for Saturday morning because they supposedly encouraged kids to hit each other with anvils?

Or like when Batman and Superman had to stop fighting bad guys.

Hey, you're right! It's all the popular cartoons.

Si, you've never heard of anyone griping about crap like Devlin, Hammerman, or Recess.

What, do they think if they can defang all the popular shows first then all the others will fall into place?

Who knows. No doubt most of these people won't be happy until every children's program becomes Veggie Tales.

Yuck.

People, please, leave classic cartoons alone! You're creating a generation of children with limited imaginations who will believe fictional characters can only be Bible-toting, lemonade-sharing pansies or ultra-violent "extreme" kung-fu fighters. If you need a cartoon to condemn, go after the crew of Shark Tale for exploiting stereotypes in lieu of creativity. And if you need a show to remake, start with crap that could benefit from updating, like Speed Buggy.

And if you do need to complain about cartoons and homosexuality, start with the Fox network for suggesting that the very discussion of the very real issue of gay marriage is somehow "potentially offensive." Oh well, thank goodness for Pixar, eh?

Si.

I can't wait for Toy Story 3! It's going to rock!

C.B., we have a lot to discuss.

Why? What happened?

Sigh, once upon a time there was a ghoul named Eisner....

The Gama News Team ©2005 GAMA Productions. The Gama News Team and its related characters are the exclusive properties of GAMA Productions. All rights reserved.

The José Trio concept, Amiço, and Chiwawa Boy are the exclusive properties of Catra Enterprizes, a Catra-Dohtem, Inc. company.