The Trumpet Awards. It was this big awards things last weekend.

No, I'm sorry. I never heard of it. What does it honor?

Oh, well it takes a look at....um, the past year's....uhhh.....excellence in......errr.....Lenny Kravitz hosted it!

You have no idea what it was supposed to be about, do you?

Nope.

So, what happens when someone wins a Trumpet Award? Do you suddenly hear "Brrrrr-ribbila-ribbila-ribbila-ribbila-BRAAAAH!"?

Hey, that was pretty good!

And lemme guess what happens when someone loses....."Brwah-brwah!"

I thought you didn't see it!

I didn't. I usually try to stay away from any awards show that's named after a brass instrument. That's why I didn't catch the Trombone Center Honors last year.

At the end of the show they played "Taps!" Ha-HA! Get it?

Yeah. Chiwawa Boy, don't you think this country has gotten a little awards crazy in recent years?

What do you mean?

I mean, in this short amount of time at the beginning of the year, we have the Golden Globes, the American Music Awards, the Grammys, the Trumpet Awards, the Writers Guild Awards, the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival Film Awards, the American Cinema Editors Eddie Awards, the American Society of Cinematographers Awards, the Boston Society of Film Critics Awards, the Chicago Film Critics Association Awards, the Directors Guild of America Awards, the Golden Satellite Awards, the Golden Reel Awards, the NSFC Awards, the Online Film Critics Society Awards, the Screen Actors Guild Awards, the USC Scripter Awards, the Annie Awards, and now the Oscars have been pushed up!

Si. So?

How frickin' great does Hollywood think it is that it needs NINETEEN award ceremonies all in a row!

Well, some of those weren't in Hollywood.... But are you saying it seems a bit excessive?

I'm saying it seems a bit pointless!

I guess late winter is awards season, just like how early summer is blockbuster movie season.

You may have a point. Awards do seem like Attack of the Clones.

But, come on, Amiço. The different industries want to be able to honor their own, right?

Well, then an award should be based on individual merit, not simply because "it's that time of year."

You mean like have an award presented just out of the blue?

Si! What's wrong with that?

Well, I don't think that's ever going to happen. You can't sell TV airtime for an all-of-a-sudden award to one single thing.

Well then that's it! We're going to take action!

We?

Si! We're going to come up with our own awards!

Um.....why?

To show Hollywood how meaningless they really are!

I don't like this idea.

Huh? Why not?

Because you're going to list a few, and it's going to be cute and clever this first time, so then you're going to want to do it every year....pretty soon it's going to come off as a cliche, like those ridiculous non-awards like the Razzies or the ones DVD web sites give out.

No it's going to be good! Really! First we can present our nominees, and then next month we can--

No no no.....I won't do this.

Oh come on....

Amiço, award ceremonies are what keep the different entertainment industries competitive, so that they can continue to push themselves into making quality product.

What, you mean like Titanic?

Chiwawa Boy?

What kind of awards did you have in mind?

Well, what do you think is the most important award ceremony of the year?

I've always been a fan of the Emmy Awards.

The one that celebrates all of the wonderfully fine shows that TV has to offer, right? Like The Tom Green Show, Anna Nicole, and Everybody Loves Raymond.

Si. So?

Well, it seems to me that there's a whole segment of television that goes unnoticed....

You don't mean...??

Si! The reality show!

Aw geez, why do you want to honor them??

Hey, if assistant editing interns have their own awards ceremony, then so can reality shows! It will be presented by the Academy of Reality Television Arts and Sciences.

The what?? Okay, so what do these awards honor?

Any reality series, although admittedly the ones that will sweep all the big prizes will be the contest shows like Survivor and Joe Millionaire and the like.

We can call the trophy the Golddigger!

There you go! Of course, it will also include the Steven J. Irwin Honorary Award of Excellence going to the bondage ho that went down on Joe Millionaire.

Um, I'm pretty sure that wasn't his name.

C'mon, Chiwawa Boy, now you come up with one. It's very cathartic.

Okay, um....how about awards honoring music acts that everybody's sick of?

You mean like the Razzies do for movies?

Oh no no, I don't mean always bad in terms of quality. I just mean musicians who if they dropped off the face of the earth, we'd all be much happier.

Like who? Eminem, Dave Matthews, Macy Gray, and anyone with the last name of Carter?

Exactly! We can call the awards the Shakiras or the Ashantis, or name them after some other weird female singer's name that I don't know how to spell.

How about a ceremony in which we hand out awards to people who, no matter what, just can't impress us?

What do you mean? Like José's barber?

No, I mean people who you don't like no matter what they try to do....like Adam Sandler, or Andy Dick, or George W. Bush.

Sort of a "Thank You For Playing, But You Still Sicken Me" award?

Si! We can call them the Carreys!

Well then again.....do you really want to give Adam Sandler an award?

Hmm. Good point.

I don't know, Amiço.....have we really become this cynical about everything? Can't we just enjoy all the hoopla of awards?

What do you mean?

Well, is there anything that you do like about award ceremonies?

I did like the dresses I saw on the runway to the Pulitzers!

You did?? What about that really ugly leather shawl that one kid was wearing?

That was Joan Rivers.

Oh.....well, maybe one day there will be runway fashion awards just to satisfy all the Amiços in the world.

They could call them the Cleavies.

By the way, did you ever get around to mailing that $500 check to enter us into the Webbies?

Si. Best award consideration money can buy.

It's an honor just to be bankrupt.

The Gama News Team ©2003 GAMA Productions. The Gama News Team and its related characters are the exclusive properties of GAMA Productions. All rights reserved.

The José Trio concept, Amiço, and Chiwawa Boy are the exclusive properties of Catra Enterprizes, a Catra-Dohtem, Inc. company.