Oh, hola everybody! Um...I'm not sure where Amiço is. He asked me to tape the State of the Union last night so that we can look it over tonight when he gets back...but, um, I'm not really sure when that will be. So, if you all will be patient with me, por favor, we will hopefully hear from Amiço in the next--

Hey, Chiwawa Boy!

Amiço! Where were you??

I went to go see Lord of the Rings.

You did? No wonder you were out all night and day. How was it?

Ehhn...if I want to be bored and look at an elfin Sean Astin, I'd rent White Water Summer. Did you tape the State of the Union?

Si! Got it right here. Ready?

Uh-huh....

Oh, and no coffee this time, okay?

Si.

There he is, entering the chamber. Scumbag.

What's with the little black girl he's holding?

I think we've just seen the Bush Administration's entire racial policy.

Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished guests and fellow citizens:

"Please vote fer me. Good night!"

America this evening is a nation called to great responsibilities. And we are rising to meet them.

"...um...aren't we??"

Those responsibilities include cleaning up mess after mess that this wormy clown makes.

As we gather tonight, hundreds of thousands of American servicemen and women are deployed across the world in the war on terror.

With no chance of coming home anytime soon, thanks to you, ya freakin' rummy.

So, the War on "Terrah" is still going on?

Si.

Does "terrah" know that?

By bringing hope to the oppressed, and delivering justice to the violent

...and by encroaching on your civil liberties...

they are making America more secure.

Then why were we at Code Orange two weeks ago?

Each day, law enforcement personnel and intelligence officers are tracking terrorist threats

They are? How odd, since all I saw on the news was some 300-pound black guy getting beaten to death.

analysts are examining airline passenger lists

"...extracting whatever information I want on whoever!"

the men and women of our new Homeland Security Department are patrolling our coasts and borders

"...keeping Mexicans out unless they agree with my demeaning and insulting faux-citizenship plan."

And their vigilance is protecting America.

While this asshole is destroying America.

Americans are proving once again to be the hardest working people in the world.

As opposed to what? Dropo, the laziest man on Mars??

Of course they're working hard. People desperate for JOBS usually do work hard to find them, dilhole.

The American economy is growing stronger.

Does he mean it's growing stronger in another country or something? Because it sure ain't strong here!

The tax relief you passed is working.

Working at WHAT?!? All you did was take tax money paid by middle-class workers and passed it out to the already-wealthiest people in the country!

Si, but look at how it stimulated the economy...Ha! There's only been, what, the biggest job loss since Hoover was in office?

Tonight, members of Congress can take pride in great works of compassion and reform that skeptics had thought impossible.

Yyyeah, tell all the seniors that their being screwed was an act of compassion.

Reform? Reform to what?? The first Bush's crappy term in office??

You are raising the standards of our public schools

Changing them from corporate-driven conformity institutions and into corporate-driven conformity institutions with standardized tests.

and you are giving our senior citizens prescription drug coverage under Medicare.

Expensive, choice-less drug coverage, but drug coverage nevertheless.

We have faced serious challenges together...

Together, because of you...whatever works.

and now we face a choice

Gassing him or drawing-and-quartering him.

We can go forward with confidence and resolve...

George W. Bush officially endorses the Democratic Party! Yaaaay!

or we can turn back to the dangerous illusion that terrorists are not plotting and outlaw regimes are no threat to us.

Umm...nobody thought terrorists weren't plotting, asshole! And speaking of dangerous illusions, YOU were the idiot who thought that Iraq was an immediate threat to us!

Wow, has it really been a year since this dickhead told that big one?

We can press on with economic growth

Which would be...where?!?

and reforms in education and Medicare...

Both of which have been completely screwed up the ass last year.

or we can turn back to the old policies and old divisions.

"...that, while they did help the country and its citizens, didn't put money into the pockets of my friends and benefactors."

We have not come all this way...through tragedy, and trial, and war...only to falter and leave our work unfinished.

And evidently that work seems to be the complete dismantling of the New Deal, a system that's only been working for the last six decades.

Americans are rising to the tasks of history

What would that be? Putting up with the first unelected president in the country's history?

and they expect the same of us

Huh?? "Americans are rising to the tasks of history, and they expect the same of us??" Aren't the "they" and "us" both referring to Americans?? Is he saying that Americans are rising to the tasks of history, and Americans expect the same of Americans?!?

Hmm, I think the "they" is for the tasks of history.

But, but then he said "they expect." How can a task expect something?? You can't give an action a personal verb. That's like saying "Those punches believe your chewing is misinformed."

Hey...you're right. Who wrote this speech??

In their efforts, their enterprise and their character

Is this "their" for the Americans or the tasks?

the American people are showing that the state of our Union is confident and strong.

It's so strong that because of him, this country is now the most bitterly bipartisaned it's ever been since the Civil War.

Our greatest responsibility is the active defense of the American people

Not making sure they have jobs, money, or health care?

Twenty-eight months have passed since Sept. 11, 2001...

Groan...here we go...

Ten minutes in and he's already rolling out the old chestnut. "George W. Bush's Greatest Hits!"

He must have an earpiece with someone going, "You're rambling and sounding like a tyrant. Bring up 9/11, quick!"

over two years without an attack on American soil...

"And it's all because I told you to go shopping!"

and it is tempting to believe that the danger is behind us.

If only there wasn't some stupid colored chart reminding us how helpless this country really is.

That hope is understandable, comforting...and false.

Hmm. Hey, speaking of falsehoods, remember when you said that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction?

And that Hussein was in league with bin Laden?

The killing has continued in Bali, Jakarta, Casablanca, Riyadh, Mombassa, Jerusalem, Istanbul and Baghdad.

Let's see you point out any of those places on a map.

The terrorists continue to plot against America and the civilized world.

And this information is based on...?

And by our will and courage, this danger will be defeated.

Ah, and not by your greedy lust for oil or your phallic drive to settle your padre's old scores, right?

Inside the United States, where the war began

And apparently where the war ended, too, since he won't go after the real attackers...you know, his pals the Saudis!

we must continue to give homeland security and law enforcement personnel every tool they need to defend us.

Here it comes, the freedom compromise...

And one of those essential tools is the PATRIOT Act

What?!?

BULL...SHIT!

which allows federal law enforcement to better share information, to track terrorists, to disrupt their cells and to seize their assets

And to do whatever they damn well please in order to screw with anyone they want, including but not limited to wrongful, secret imprisonment and illegal search-and-seizure.

How patriotic.

For years, we have used similar provisions to catch embezzlers and drug traffickers. If these methods are good for hunting criminals, they are even more important for hunting terrorists.

Who said the methods were good in any context??

Si, the outcome does NOT justify the means.

Key provisions of the PATRIOT Act are set to expire next year.

GOOD!!!

That will make two evils that will end next year.

The terrorist threat will not expire on that schedule.

Well, maybe if this moron actually went after...oh, I dunno...OSAMA BIN LADEN...then maybe the threat would have expired by now!

Our law enforcement needs this vital legislation to protect our citizens...

And to turn America into 1984.

you need to renew the PATRIOT Act.

No, what we need is to get rid of Bush!

America is on the offensive against the terrorists who started this war.

Meanwhile, this retard started a needless war in Iraq and everyone's suppose to love him, right?

Last March, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, a mastermind of Sept. 11, awoke to find himself in the custody of U.S. and Pakistani authorities.

Meanwhile, the real mastermind is...WHERE??? Cripes, the guy's dragging along a camera crew everywhere he goes. Maybe if Bush wasn't in bed with the bin Laden family and the Saudis, then troops could find him just by asking around at Jamal's Rent-a-Camera.

Last August 11th brought the capture of the terrorist Hambali, who was a key player in the attack in Indonesia that killed over 200 people.

As the five-hundredth U.S. soldier has just been killed in this "completed" war in Iraq.

We are tracking al-Qaida around the world...

Well, by your own admission of continued threats, then you're obviously not doing a very good job.

and nearly two-thirds of their known leaders have now been captured or killed.

Leaving an entire third that he either won't go after or can't find.

Thousands of very skilled and determined military personnel are on a manhunt

For two years now.

going after the remaining killers who hide in cities and caves...and, one by one, we will bring the terrorists to justice.

"...except those protected by my business associates in Saudi Arabia."

Sheesh, we can't even find Spalding Gray, and he's promising to track down every terrorist in the world?? Who buys this crap??

As part of the offensive against terror

"...we will do anything in our power to screw with those who oppose me!"

we are also confronting the regimes that harbor and support terrorists

"...again, except my business associates in Saudi Arabia."

and could supply them with nuclear, chemical or biological weapons

And who gave Hussein his weapons?

A bunch of wrinkly old men in suits, I believe.

The United States and our allies are determined: We refuse to live in the shadow of this ultimate danger.

Hence the colored threat chart, eh?

The first to see our determination were the Taliban, who made Afghanistan the primary training base of al-Qaida killers.

Um...didn't they do their flight training in Florida?

Uh oh. He'll come after us next. Ha!

As of this month, that country has a new constitution, guaranteeing free elections and full participation by women.

Wha?? That's not going on!

Businesses are opening, health care centers are being established

Businesses were already opened, and they still don't have adequate health care!

and the boys and girls of Afghanistan are back in school. With help from the new Afghan Army, our coalition is leading aggressive raids against surviving members of the Taliban and al-Qaida.

Um...except bin Laden.

The men and women of Afghanistan are building a nation that is free, and proud, and fighting terror...and America is honored to be their friend.

No you're not, you freakin' bigot!

Since we last met in this chamber

...people have wised up to the smelly bullshit that is your presidency.

combat forces of the United States, Great Britain, Australia, Poland and other countries enforced the demands of the United Nations

After you told the U.N. to go screw itself.

"Other countries"...geez, what, a golf cart from the Sandwich Islands??

ended the rule of Saddam Hussein...and the people of Iraq are free

Well good for Iraq. What about AMERICA?? You know, the country you wormed your way into running??

If Iraq loves you so much, why don't you run there, dickhead!

Having broken the Baathist regime, we face a remnant of violent Saddam supporters. Men who ran away from our troops in battle are now dispersed and attack from the shadows.

But they still attack and kill, and you sent the troops there to be killed.

These killers, joined by foreign terrorists, are a serious, continuing danger.

Oh, and you're not?

Yet we are making progress against them.

That's why five-hundred troops have died, right?

The once all-powerful ruler of Iraq was found in a hole

Not by the Americans...

and now sits in a prison cell.

Where he's mocking you and laughing at every question.

Of the top 55 officials of the former regime, we have captured or killed 45.

That still leaves ten you've let get away.

Our forces are on the offensive, leading over 1,600 patrols a day, and conducting an average of 180 raids every week.

And how many civilians and children have been killed in these "peaceful" raids?

We are dealing with these thugs in Iraq

Doesn't look like it from here, Junior.

Hah! "Thugs." Unlike the baboons in your Cabinet, right?

The work of building a new Iraq is hard, and it is right.

Oh, and it had nothing to do with the facts that you wanted their oil and that just coincidentally it was the guy your "daddy" couldn't hunt down, right?

And America has always been willing to do what it takes for what is right.

...except for Americans.

Last January, Iraq's only law was the whim of one brutal man.

Sounds like the Patriot Act.

Today our coalition is working with the Iraqi Governing Council to draft a basic law, with a bill of rights.

Oh gee, what a surprise. Bush is helping write Iraq's Bill of Rights. That'll be a hoot to read.

Hee hee..."Amendment One: The right to surrender that worthless, black liquid to your conquering hero."

We are working with Iraqis and the United Nations to prepare for a transition to full Iraqi sovereignty by the end of June. As democracy takes hold in Iraq, the enemies of freedom will do all in their power to spread violence and fear.

Spreading violence and fear? You mean like attacking a country and using 9/11 as an excuse for everything you do?

They are trying to shake the will of our country and our friends...

How did they do that? All I remember is you defying the United Nations.

but the United States of America will never be intimidated by thugs and assassins.

Then...why did you go after Iraq? The only reason to launch a pre-emptive strike is if you ARE intimidated!

The killers will fail, and the Iraqi people will live in freedom.

Until you form their Bill of Rights.

Not to sound crass, but haven't the killers already succeeded? The word "killers," as I understand the term, means "those who kill." Since they've already killed U.S. troops, then what's left for them to fail?

Month by month, Iraqis are assuming more responsibility for their own security and their own future.

But enough about the resistance.

And tonight we are honored to welcome one of Iraq's most respected leaders: the current Preffident of the Iraqi Governing Council, Adnan Pachachi.

The "preffident???"

He can't pronounce his own job title?

Sir, America stands with you and the Iraqi people as you build a free and peaceful nation.

"One free of the letter S."

Because of American leadership and resolve

Many Americans are scared for their lives.

Last month, the leader of Libya voluntarily pledged to disclose and dismantle all of his regime's weapons of mass destruction programs, including a uranium enrichment project for nuclear weapons.

Key word being "project," not "possession." The idea here is that if he says "nuclear weapons" in any context, he'll scare Americans into supporting him.

Si. Why else would that part of the sentence even be there? It doesn't make Libya's weapons plans any less vague.

Col. Gadhafi correctly judged that his country would be better off, and far more secure, without weapons of mass murder.

So, in that logic, wouldn't we also be better off and more secure without our weapons of mass murder?

Nine months of intense negotiations involving the United States and Great Britain succeeded with Libya, while 12 years of diplomacy with Iraq did not.

So, you're saying that your own padre was a lousy president for not hunting Saddam down? Boy, what an ingrate!

And one reason is clear

"I have The Button and Daddy's 'enemies list.'"

For diplomacy to be effective, words must be credible...and no one can now doubt the word of America.

Um...except Americans.

Different threats require different strategies.

Such as voting this slimeball out of office.

Along with nations in the region, we are insisting that North Korea eliminate its nuclear program.

Pfft!! Oh yeah, that'll do it!

"Uh, um, excuse me, nice North Korean peoples, but um, we'll hafta insisht that youse get rid of the weapons that put you in a greater position than we are...um, please? Um, I like your race and culture!"

America and the international community are demanding that Iran meet its commitments and not develop nuclear weapons.

Well then, America and the international community are naive.

I thought his words have to be credible now? What's he going to do? Engage in another endless war??

America is committed to keeping the world's most dangerous weapons out of the hands of the world's most dangerous regimes.

"Except mine."

When I came to this rostrum on Sept. 20, 2001

Everyone laughed at you.

I brought the police shield of a fallen officer, my reminder of lives that ended, and a task that does not end.

And as a cheap and callous way to drum up support from people who hate your guts.

I gave to you and to all Americans my complete commitment to securing our country and defeating our enemies.

Past and present, emphasis on the "past."

I hear he's going after the Soviets and the Nazis next.

And this pledge, given by one, has been kept by many.

Except you, deserter.

You in the Congress have provided the resources for our defense, and cast the difficult votes of war and peace.

"...after I lied about why we were going to Iraq."

Our closest allies have been unwavering.

"...after our real closest allies said I was nuts. Now they're not my friends anymore."

America's intelligence personnel and diplomats have been skilled and tireless.

Ineffective, but skilled and tireless.

And the men and women of the American military...they have taken the hardest duty.

By following your f-ing misguided orders.

We have seen their skill and courage in armored charges, and midnight raids, and lonely hours on faithful watch.

How come we've never seen your skill or courage? Oh, that's right...because you asked your padre to let you go AWOL!

We have seen the joy when they return

If they return, you cowardly murderer.

and felt the sorrow when one is lost.

Thanks to you.

I have had the honor of meeting our servicemen and women at many posts, from the deck of a carrier in the Pacific to a mess hall in Baghdad.

"But I won't go to any of their funerals."

Those two staged photo-ops were the closest this blowhard has ever come to being in combat.

Many of our troops are listening tonight.

Hating your guts.

And I want you and your families to know: America is proud of you.

"You're doing the work that I snuck away from so my daddy could give me an oil company to run."

And my administration, and this Congress, will give you the resources you need to fight and win the war on terror.

Which has nothing to do with Iraq.

I know that some people question if America is really in a war at all.

Oh good. You almost understand what the problem is. Would you like to try that again?

They view terrorism more as a crime...a problem to be solved mainly with law enforcement and indictments.

Unlike the solution of going after a country that didn't attack us...ah, I see it now.

After the World Trade Center was first attacked in 1993, some of the guilty were indicted, tried, convicted and sent to prison. But the matter was not settled. The terrorists were still training and plotting in other nations, and drawing up more ambitious plans.

Um...those were different terrorists, jackass.

Really! Terrorists aren't just one specific group of people!

Now the Saudis, on the other hand....

After the chaos and carnage of Sept. 11, it is not enough to serve our enemies with legal papers. The terrorists and their supporters declared war on the United States...and war is what they got.

Again, except for the Saudis.

Some in this chamber, and in our country, did not support the liberation of Iraq.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on there, Skippy. They, and I mean we, did not support attacking Iraq in the name of protecting this country from terrorists by guessing that they had weapons of mass destruction, which is how you pitched this charade of a war!

This dickless motherf--

C.B.! Careful there.

Sorry.

He just has a small one.

Objections to war often come from principled motives.

Ahh, and your going to war was without principled motives?? Oil? Your "daddy??"

But let us be candid about the consequences of leaving Saddam Hussein in power.

That would involve you discussing it in an open forum, which you wouldn't do, you spineless redneck.

We are seeking all the facts...

Haa-haaa!!!!

Did he just say he was seeking the facts?? Am I some kind of mutant creature with a super-charged brain, or do people actually believe this garbage??

already the Kay report identified dozens of weapons of mass destruction-related program activities and significant amounts of equipment that Iraq concealed from the United Nations.

All of which have seemed to have disappeared. Plans and papers are NOT the same thing as weapons of mass destruction, you nitwit!!

Had we failed to act, the dictator's weapons of mass destruction programs would continue to this day.

But they didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.

Had we failed to act, Security Council resolutions on Iraq would have been revealed as empty threats

But threats don't equal weapons of mass destruction!

weakening the United Nations and encouraging defiance by dictators around the world.

Oh, and you didn't weaken the U.N. well enough on your own?

Iraq's torture chambers would still be filled with victims...terrified and innocent.

Unlike now, in which secret cells here are filled with terrified and innocent prisoners, captured in the name of "national security."

The killing fields of Iraq...where hundreds of thousands of men, women and children vanished into the sands...would still be known only to the killers.

Now it's just Americans who are being killed there.

For all who love freedom and peace, the world without Saddam Hussein's regime is a better and safer place.

BUT THERE WERE NO WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

Some critics have said our duties in Iraq must be internationalized.

"Stupid taxpayers."

This particular criticism is hard to explain to our partners in Britain, Australia, Japan, South Korea, the Philippines, Thailand, Italy, Spain, Poland, Denmark, Hungary, Bulgaria, Ukraine, Romania, the Netherlands, Norway, El Salvador and the 17 other countries that have committed troops to Iraq.

Yeah, sure they have.

Well, it's nice to know he's putting the interests of Iraq and thirty-four other countries over the interests of his own.

As we debate at home, we must never ignore the vital contributions of our international partners or dismiss their sacrifices.

And to hell with this country's sacrifices.

From the beginning, America has sought international support for operations in Afghanistan and Iraq, and we have gained much support.

And much laughter.

There is a difference, however, between leading a coalition of many nations and submitting to the objections of a few.

Ah, the mind of the Republican. Compromise equals submission. Diplomacy equals betrayal. Fairness equals inadequacy. Alternatives equal homosexuality.

And Osama equals Saddam.

America will never seek a permission slip to defend the security of our people.

I wish he would stop using the name "America" when he just means himself.

I know. It kinda gives the country a black eye.

We also hear doubts that democracy is a realistic goal for the greater Middle East, where freedom is rare.

And weapons of mass destruction are even rarer!

Yet it is mistaken, and condescending, to assume that whole cultures and great religions are incompatible with liberty and self-government.

But it's not being mistaken or condescending to lie to a country about why it should go to war?

I believe that God has planted in every heart the desire to live in freedom.

"Except in atheists. Screw 'em!"

And even when that desire is crushed by tyranny for decades, it will rise again.

Well, we're only going on four years now and I already feel it.

As long as the Middle East remains a place of tyranny, despair and anger, it will continue to produce men and movements that threaten the safety of America and our friends.

Ah, so terrorists exist nowhere else on Earth except in the Middle East. How convenient.

Isn't this suppose to be the State of the Union?

So America is pursuing a forward strategy of freedom in the greater Middle East.

It's called "Operation Jerk-Off."

We will challenge the enemies of reform, confront the allies of terror

Except the Saudis.

and expect a higher standard from our friends. To cut through the barriers of hateful propaganda

"...I will shoot myself in the face."

the Voice of America and other broadcast services are expanding their programming in Arabic and Persian...and soon, a new television service will begin providing reliable news and information across the region.

Oh great. So now, it will just be ultra-white American propaganda from all sides. You know Fox will get their grimy paws all over this.

I will send you a proposal to double the budget of the National Endowment for Democracy

Oh double-great, just what this country needs, more useless spending. Maybe the money will come from one of his oil rigs.

and to focus its new work on the development of free elections, free markets, free press and free labor unions in the Middle East.

None of which is working well here.

And above all, we will finish the historic work of democracy in Afghanistan and Iraq, so those nations can light the way for others, and help transform a troubled part of the world.

"...into America II: Acoustic Bushaloo."

America is a nation with a mission...

"...shegregashun!"

and that mission comes from our most basic beliefs.

Oh boy, here we go..."our" beliefs.

We have no desire to dominate, no ambitions of empire.

Oh NO...not the hick prince!

Our aim is a democratic peace...a peace founded upon the dignity and rights of every man and woman.

And the profits of Halliburton.

America acts in this cause with friends and allies at our side, yet we understand our special calling

"To shend all non-whites to the moon!"

In these last three years, adversity has also revealed the fundamental strengths of the American economy.

It has? Then where is it??

We have come through recession

No we haven't! In fact, we went from the biggest surplus in history to the biggest deficit!

and terrorist attack

Again, the old chestnut.

and corporate scandals

Your vice president, whom you have not reprimanded.

and the uncertainties of war

Thanks to you.

And because you acted to stimulate our economy with tax relief, this economy is strong, and growing stronger.

No it's not, and no it isn't! Man, the outright gall of this bastard!

You have doubled the child tax credit from $500 to a thousand dollars

Which many parents did not see.

reduced the marriage penalty

"How dare heterosexuals pay more!"

begun to phase out the death tax

"How dare beneficiaries pay taxes!"

And all this coming from a guy who had everything handed to him on a silver platter.

reduced taxes on capital gains and stock dividends, cut taxes on small businesses, and you have lowered taxes for every American who pays income taxes.

And again, how dare anyone pay taxes to fund this country!

Someone needs to sit down with the Republicans and explain to them that part of what makes America great is that the citizens are the ones who gain from their own taxes. If they really cared about Americans, then they would let them pay the taxes that allow for special programs and benefits.

Americans took those dollars and put them to work, driving this economy forward.

Si? How??

The pace of economic growth in the third quarter of 2003 was the fastest in nearly 20 years.

Um, Mr. Bush, can we get some specific numbers on this?

New home construction: the highest in almost 20 years.

And the figures that show this are...?

Home ownership rates: the highest ever.

With the number of these rates being...?

Manufacturing activity is increasing.

Increasing to...what number?

Inflation is low.

"Low" specifically meaning...?

Interest rates are low.

And the number you refer to as low is...?

Exports are growing.

And the increasing numbers of growth are, what??

Productivity is high.

This "high" number is...??

And jobs are on the rise.

Which is shown in numbers by...??

These numbers--

WHAT numbers?!?           WHAT numbers?!?

--confirm that the American people are using their money far better than government would have...

Oh right, who needs educational and environmental programs when you can buy a gas grill at Wal-Mart?

and you were right to return it.

To the people who didn't earn it, your buddies.

America's growing economy is also a changing economy.

Well, only half of that statement is true. Guess which half?

Forty minutes in and he's just getting to his domestic agenda??

As technology transforms the way almost every job is done, America becomes more productive, and workers need new skills.

Err, and jobs!

Much of our job growth will be found in high-skilled fields like health care and biotechnology.

Both of which this asshole doesn't support.

So we must respond by helping more Americans gain the skills to find good jobs in our new economy.

I agree! Let's find Americans work! Volunteer to help Wesley Clark or John Edwards's campaign!

All skills begin with the basics of reading and math, which are supposed to be learned in the early grades of our schools.

Oh, here we go. Education stuff from the guy who got a 300 on his SATs!

Yet for too long, for too many children, those skills were never mastered. By passing the No Child Left Behind Act, you have made the expectation of literacy the law of our country.

While the program itself is a miserable failure.

We are providing more funding for our schools...a 36 percent increase since 2001.

But that's only 18 percent a year. That's not impressive at all!

We are requiring higher standards. We are regularly testing every child on the fundamentals. We are reporting results to parents, and making sure they have better options when schools are not performing. We are making progress toward excellence for every child.

By giving them Scantron tests that do not require any applied knowledge or creativity.

But the status quo always has defenders.

But...the status quo by definition is what is going on right now. Isn't that what you're asking for??

This guy doesn't like to use the same English language everyone else uses, huh?

Some want to undermine the No Child Left Behind Act by weakening standards and accountability. Yet the results we require are really a matter of common sense: We expect third-graders to read and do math at third grade level...and that is not asking too much. Testing is the only way to identify and help students who are falling behind.

Man, this is really getting boring. Aren't speechwriters suppose to make the State of the Union interesting??

What is No Child Left Behind? Isn't that some boy band?

It's some program he thinks will energize teachers to work harder...you know, instead of insisting that they be paid more.

This nation will not go back to the days of simply shuffling children along from grade to grade without them learning the basics.

"Look at me!"

I refuse to give up on any child...and the No Child Left Behind Act is opening the door of opportunity to all of America's children.

Except those in poor neighborhoods. They're screwed.

Boy, he's screwing a lot of people tonight, isn't he?

It's the trickle-down theory.

At the same time, we must ensure that older students and adults can gain the skills they need to find work now.

Where? Fantasyland??

Many of the fastest-growing occupations require strong math and science preparation, and training beyond the high school level. So tonight I propose a series of measures called Jobs for the 21st Century.

Funded by...?

This program will provide extra help to middle and high school students who fall behind in reading and math, expand advanced placement programs in low-income schools, and invite math and science professionals from the private sector to teach part-time in our high schools. I propose larger Pell grants for students who prepare for college with demanding courses in high school. I propose increasing our support for America's fine community colleges, so they can train workers for the industries that are creating the most new jobs. By all these actions, we will help more and more Americans to join in the growing prosperity of our country.

"And then ship 'em off to Iraq when I reopen to Draft!"

He's not...is he??

Surprised that little secret hasn't shown up in this yet.

Oh...my...god.

Job training is important, and so is job creation.

What's he going to do? Create new homeland-security Cabinet departments for every unemployed person in the country?

We must continue to pursue an aggressive, pro-growth economic agenda.

Well, as soon as the economy does grow, let us know...for real this time, okay?

Congress has some unfinished business on the issue of taxes.

Uh oh. A friend of his must want a yacht.

The tax reductions you passed are set to expire.

Good!

Unless you act, the unfair tax on marriage will go back up.

Unfair for whom?? Life in America costs money, period! Anyone who says otherwise is either deluded or privileged.

Unless you act, millions of families will be charged $300 more in federal taxes for every child. Unless you act, small businesses will pay higher taxes. Unless you act, the death tax will eventually come back to life. Unless you act, Americans face a tax increase. What the Congress has given, the Congress should not take away: For the sake of job growth, the tax cuts you passed should be permanent.

Didn't he just say all of this, like, fifteen minutes ago?

He's an idiot. Look around...how the hell have the tax cuts helped this economy??

Our agenda for jobs and growth must help small business owners and employees with relief from needless federal regulation, and protect them from junk and frivolous lawsuits. Consumers and businesses need reliable supplies of energy to make our economy run...so I urge you to pass legislation to modernize our electricity system, promote conservation and make America less dependent on foreign sources of energy.

Notice he doesn't say we need to stop depending on oil.

And we have just heard his entire environmental plan for the whole year. "We need new electrical stuff and the Arctic wildlife preserves drilled."

My administration is promoting free and fair trade, to open up new markets for America's entrepreneurs, and manufacturers, and farmers, and to create jobs for America's workers. Younger workers should have the opportunity to build a nest egg by saving part of their Social Security taxes in a personal retirement account. We should make the Social Security system a source of ownership for the American people.

Wait a goddamn minute...does this sound like he wants to privatize Social Security??

Maybe this is a warning, like "Take it out now or else we'll get to it!"

And we should limit the burden of government on this economy by acting as good stewards of taxpayer dollars.

Oh...my...god.

He wants to disconnect the government from the economy?? What in the bloody hell is he thinking?!?

In two weeks, I will send you a budget that funds the war, protects the homeland and meets important domestic needs, while limiting the growth in discretionary spending to less than four percent. This will require that Congress focus on priorities, cut wasteful spending and be wise with the people's money. By doing so, we can cut the deficit in half over the next five years.

YOU'RE the reason we have a deficit, asshole! Why don't we just get rid of YOU??

Notice how the domestic needs weren't even first on the list?

Tonight I also ask you to reform our immigration laws, so they reflect our values and benefit our economy.

Values? Uh oh.

I propose a new temporary worker program to match willing foreign workers with willing employers, when no Americans can be found to fill the job. This reform will be good for our economy...because employers will find needed workers in an honest and orderly system. A temporary worker program will help protect our homeland...allowing border patrol and law enforcement to focus on true threats to our national security. I oppose amnesty, because it would encourage further illegal immigration and unfairly reward those who break our laws. My temporary worker program will preserve the citizenship path for those who respect the law, while bringing millions of hardworking men and women out from the shadows of American life.

(We feel the need to point out that as immigrants seeking citizenship, both Amiço and Chiwawa Boy's jaws were dropped during this entire part of the speech.--Ed.)

Well...

So...!

He wants immigrants to take all of the jobs that American citizens don't want? Hasn't that been going on for decades already??

He wants us out of the shadows...why? So it's easier to capture us??

I-I am stunned. We're going to be used. This is the most arrogant, ignorant pandering I've ever heard.

Where will our benefits come from? How would our lives improve? What purpose would this serve except to create a separate class of people in this country?

I'm scared now.

Si. I don't like this alternative. This is how Conquest of the Planet of the Apes started...well, sort of.

Our nation's health care system, like our economy, is also in a time of change.

Especially now that you're trying to destroy Medicare.

Amazing medical technologies are improving and saving lives.

Uhh...except stem-cell research, which you're trying to ban.

This dramatic progress has brought its own challenge, in the rising costs of medical care and health insurance. Members of Congress, we must work together to help control those costs and extend the benefits of modern medicine throughout our country.

Ohh yeah right...and privatizing prescription drug coverage is a wonderful first step!

Meeting these goals requires bipartisan effort...and two months ago, you showed the way. By strengthening Medicare and adding a prescription drug benefit, you kept a basic commitment to our seniors: You are giving them the modern medicine they deserve.

By putting them at the mercy of the pharmaceutical conglomerates. Way to go, Congress, they've got seniors by the balls.

Starting this year, under the law you passed, seniors can choose to receive a drug discount card, saving them 10 to 25 percent off the retail price of most prescription drugs...

And, as you know, the retail price for anything is always fair, even after 10 or 25 percent. Imagine what it would be for seniors already living on paltry benefits.

and millions of low-income seniors can get an additional $600 to buy medicine. Beginning next year, seniors will have new coverage for preventive screenings against diabetes and heart disease, and seniors just entering Medicare can receive wellness exams.

Ooo...wow! $600! For a senior, that's maybe, what, half a year in drugs??

At least the seniors are the ones who benefit...oh brudder.

In January of 2006, seniors can get prescription drug coverage under Medicare. For a monthly premium of about $35, most seniors who do not have that coverage today can expect to see their drug bills cut roughly in half.

$35 a month?! For the opportunity to pay slightly less to companies that will now charge even more for medicine?? Sheesh, signing up at Costco is a better deal than this!

Under this reform, senior citizens will be able to keep their Medicare just as it is, or they can choose a Medicare plan that fits them best...just as you, as members of Congress, can choose an insurance plan that meets your needs. And starting this year, millions of Americans will be able to save money tax-free for their medical expenses, in a health savings account.

Ah, there's that magic Republican word, "insurance." That's what this is leading to!

I signed this measure proudly, and any attempt to limit the choices of our seniors, or to take away their prescription drug coverage under Medicare, will meet my veto.

Well then, it looks like some other kind of "change" is in order, hmmm?

On the critical issue of health care, our goal is to ensure that Americans can choose and afford private health care coverage that best fits their individual needs.

Oh, the best health-care coverage? You mean like in...oh, I dunno...CANADA??? Hello?? Socialized medicine?? Single-payer?? The system that works? Ever hear of it??

To make insurance more affordable, Congress must act to address rapidly rising health care costs.

Why do you think they are rising?? Because you signed that stupid bill, you moron!!

Small businesses should be able to band together and negotiate for lower insurance rates, so they can cover more workers with health insurance...I urge you to pass association health plans. I ask you to give lower-income Americans a refundable tax credit that would allow millions to buy their own basic health insurance.

Once again, the Republican answer is "insurance."

By computerizing health records, we can avoid dangerous medical mistakes, reduce costs, and improve care.

And keep track of everyone in the country!

Ah, now to take a big sip of this Slurpee.

What flavor?

Plain.

To protect the doctor-patient relationship, and keep good doctors doing good work, we must eliminate wasteful and frivolous medical lawsuits.

PPFFFTTT!!!

Hey! Chiwawa Boy!

Sorry.

And after what happened last time....

"Frivolous" medical lawsuits?? Like what, malpractice suits??

You see, this is the mind of a simpleton at work. To him, a doctor is a god, so how dare someone try to sue one?

And tonight I propose that individuals who buy catastrophic health care coverage, as part of our new health savings accounts, be allowed to deduct 100 percent of the premiums from their taxes.

Oh, that's the answer! Pay them off with lower taxes, not try to set health care right again or try to stop depending on insurance companies.

A government-run health care system is the wrong prescription.

Because your campaign investors can't profit from that.

By keeping costs under control, expanding access and helping more Americans afford coverage, we will preserve the system of private medicine that makes America's health care the best in the world.

That is, after Canada, most of Europe, Japan, Australia....

Who says we need to preserve private medicine? Isn't that where the current problems lie??

We are living in a time of great change...

Well, November will bring that.

in our world, in our economy, and in science and medicine. Yet some things endure...courage and compassion, reverence and integrity, respect for differences of faith and race.

None of which is practiced by the Republican Party.

The values we try to live by never change. And they are instilled in us by fundamental institutions, such as families, and schools, and religious congregations. These institutions...the unseen pillars of civilization...must remain strong in America, and we will defend them.

Wait a minute. Families and schools are unseen pillars of civilization??

So, those brick buildings children are herded into every morning...holograms?

How do you defend a hologram?

We must stand with our families to help them raise healthy, responsible children.

What, like your daughters?

And when it comes to helping children make right choices, there is work for all of us to do.

So be sure to vote Democrat this November!

One of the worst decisions our children can make is to gamble their lives and futures on drugs.

Says the cokehead.

Our government is helping parents confront this problem, with aggressive education, treatment and law enforcement.

What's aggressive education?

You know...teaching multiplication tables followed by a blow with a tack hammer.

Drug use in high school has declined by 11 percent over the past two years.

Again, that's 5.5 percent a year...which is next to zilch.

Four hundred thousand fewer young people are using illegal drugs than in the year 2001.

That's just because they grew older!

In my budget, I have proposed new funding to continue our aggressive, community-based strategy to reduce demand for illegal drugs. Drug testing in our schools has proven to be an effective part of this effort. So tonight I propose an additional $23 million for schools that want to use drug testing as a tool to save children's lives.

This is like the Youth Patriot Act.

The aim here is not to punish children, but to send them this message: We love you, and we don't want to lose you.

And he loves you so much that he'll send you off to die so he can get someone else's oil.

To help children make right choices, they need good examples. Athletics play such an important role in our society, but, unfortunately, some in professional sports are not setting much of an example. The use of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids in baseball, football and other sports is dangerous, and it sends the wrong message...that there are short cuts to accomplishment, and that performance is more important than character. So tonight I call on team owners, union representatives, coaches and players to take the lead, to send the right signal, to get tough and to get rid of steroids now.

Yawn...I think he actually did sneak in some of his padre's 1991 plan. Where's the remote control?

Amiço, don't. It's almost over. Besides, the decrease of steroid use will make professional sports free of incident.

You mean after the football players who murder people and the basketball stars who rape women?

Si! Exactly!

To encourage right choices, we must be willing to confront the dangers young people face...

"Like having me run the country!"

even when they are difficult to talk about. Each year, about 3 million teenagers contract sexually transmitted diseases that can harm them, or kill them, or prevent them from ever becoming parents.

Ah, here we go. His "controlling a woman's body before she's not yet a woman" plan.

In my budget, I propose a grass-roots campaign to help inform families about these medical risks.

Let's hear you explain what a grass-roots campaign consists of, because I'm really curious to know what someone whose election campaigns are funded by the slimiest bunch of corporate creeps thinks a grass-roots campaign is.

We will double federal funding for abstinence programs, so schools can teach this fact of life: Abstinence for young people is the only certain way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases.

So, abstinence now protects you from tattoo needles and blood transfusions, too? Cool.

Decisions children make now can affect their health and character for the rest of their lives.

Character? The only people who have problems with sexually active singles are conservatives. Maybe they should be the ones educated.

All of us...parents, schools, government...must work together to counter the negative influence of the culture, and to send the right messages to our children.

The "right message" being "Save yourself for a Texas oilman's son after you've been paid for, Laura."

A strong America must also value the institution of marriage. I believe we should respect individuals as we take a principled stand for one of the most fundamental, enduring institutions of our civilization.

Hoo-boy, here we go. The anti-gay stuff...again.

Congress has already taken a stand on this issue by passing the Defense of Marriage Act, signed in 1996 by President Clinton. That statute protects marriage under federal law as the union of a man and a woman, and declares that one state may not redefine marriage for other states.

But Clinton also supported homosexuals and didn't try to encroach on their human rights.

Activist judges, however, have begun redefining marriage by court order, without regard for the will of the people and their elected representatives.

No, no, NO! They have begun redefining what a "union" is, which does not go against Clinton's bill.

Without regard for elected representatives? Uh, most judges are either elected or appointed by elected representatives, asshole!

On an issue of such great consequence, the people's voice must be heard. If judges insist on forcing their arbitrary will upon the people, the only alternative left to the people would be the constitutional process. Our nation must defend the sanctity of marriage.

So, he wants to outlaw homosexuality with a Constitutional amendment?? DANGER, DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!!!

Didn't he just say he didn't want unelected officials tinkering with marriage laws, so what does he think he's doing??

The outcome of this debate is important...and so is the way we conduct it. The same moral tradition that defines marriage also teaches that each individual has dignity and value in God's sight.

Well since you said God made you president, I think it's high time we stop listening to Him for a while, okay?

It is also important to strengthen our communities by unleashing the compassion of America's religious institutions. Religious charities of every creed are doing some of the most vital work in our country...mentoring children, feeding the hungry, taking the hand of the lonely.

"...and sucking on a young boy's--

Chiwawa Boy!!

Yet government has often denied social service grants and contracts to these groups, just because they have a cross or Star of David or crescent on the wall. By executive order, I have opened billions of dollars in grant money to competition that includes faith-based charities. Tonight I ask you to codify this into law, so people of faith can know that the law will never discriminate against them again.

Uh-HUH, right. Because religion has really gotten the short end of the stick these last two-hundred years.

In the past, we have worked together to bring mentors to the children of prisoners

"Now, we're bringing prisoners to the children of mentors."

and provide treatment for the addicted, and help for the homeless. Tonight I ask you to consider another group of Americans in need of help. This year, some 600,000 inmates will be released from prison back into society.

Unless they're in Texas.

We know from long experience that if they can't find work, or a home, or help, they are much more likely to commit more crimes and return to prison. So tonight, I propose a four-year, $300 million Prisoner Re-Entry Initiative to expand job training and placement services, to provide transitional housing, and to help newly released prisoners get mentoring, including from faith-based groups. America is the land of the second chance...and when the gates of the prison open, the path ahead should lead to a better life.

Hey, this is a good idea! In fact, I suggest that Bush offer his house and ranch to inmates to live in, since as a devout Christian he's seemingly so concerned.

I'd pay to see Laura interact with Barry the Blade.

For all Americans, the last three years have brought tests we did not ask for

But enough about that election.

and achievements shared by all. By our actions, we have shown what kind of nation we are.

Ignorant, violent, and misled.

In grief, we found the grace to go on. In challenge, we rediscovered the courage and daring of a free people. In victory, we have shown the noble aims and good heart of America.

And in November, we will get rid of the biggest problem this country has.

And having come this far, we sense that we live in a time set apart.

Si, that's called limbo.

I have been a witness to the character of the American people, who have shown calm in times of danger, compassion for one another, and toughness for the long haul. All of us have been partners in a great enterprise.

Partners?? Ah, I see, it takes two to destroy a country: one destroyer, and one victim.

And even some of the youngest understand that we are living in historic times. Last month a girl in Lincoln, Rhode Island, sent me a letter. It began, "Dear George W. Bush: If there is anything you know, I, Ashley Pearson, age 10, can do to help anyone, please send me a letter and tell me what I can do to save our country."

Why, I'll tell her! It's simple, honey. You ask your parents to vote for the Democrat in November.

She added this P.S.: "If you can send a letter to the troops...please put, 'Ashley Pearson believes in you.'"

If only the addressee did, then he wouldn't have sent them.

Tonight, Ashley, your message to our troops has just been conveyed. And yes, you have some duties yourself. Study hard in school, listen to your mom and dad, help someone in need, and when you and your friends see a man or woman in uniform, say "thank you."

"Don't spit on them like they would have on me if I didn't chicken out of active duty three decades ago." Hypocrite!

And while you do your part, all of us here in this great chamber will do our best to keep you and the rest of America safe and free.

And all of us here will do our best to get this simpering halfwit out of office.

My fellow citizens, we now move forward, with confidence and faith. Our nation is strong and steadfast. The cause we serve is right, because it is the cause of all mankind. The momentum of freedom in our world is unmistakable...and it is not carried forward by our power alone. We can trust in that greater power Who guides the unfolding of the years.

So, he believes in The Force?

Nah, he comes off as more of a Flash Gordon fan to me.

And in all that is to come, we can know that His purposes are just and true.

And will be raped and pillaged by you and your Republican cronies.

May God bless the United States of America. Thank you.

And may God will you the hell out of the White House.

Pee-yew! So, C.B., what did you think?

Who the hell wrote that drivel??

Well it wasn't God. The Bible was at least a good read.

Do you think this is the end of George Dubya Bush?

I hope so. I just wonder what can we do to insure him out of Washington?

I don't know. Believe it or not, a lot of people really do fall for his babbling. They think it's unpatriotic to not support him or something.

Then they don't know the principles this country was founded on. It is a citizen's duty to question the government, elected or not.

Well, let's work hard at getting the word out. But still, there must be more we can do.

Hmm...I think I've got an idea.

Oh? What?

Remember that letter the little girl wrote? The one Bush mentioned in the speech in hopes of scoring on people's Sappy-o-meters?

Sure.

I'll write my own letter to Bush, asking him what we can do.

You are??

Dear George W. Bush: If there is anything you know, I, Amiço Guadalajara, age 27, can do to help get you out of office, please send me a letter and tell me what I can do to save our country.

Hmm.

Oh! And P.S., you are a cokehead and your wife is a vehicular murderer.

I hope he writes you back. Well, November is still ten months away. This is going to be a long year.

Well, January is almost over.

I need to pass the time between now and the end of the month.

Well then, we might be able to fit in a screening of Lord of the Rings.

I thought you said you didn't like that movie.

After that crappy speech, I can stomach trolls and wizards much better now.

At least it's harmless fantasy!

The Gama News Team ©2004 GAMA Productions. The Gama News Team and its related characters are the exclusive properties of GAMA Productions. All rights reserved.

The José Trio concept, Amiço, and Chiwawa Boy are the exclusive properties of Catra Enterprizes, a Catra-Dohtem, Inc. company.