Our recurring feature in which Gama News political experts Amiço and Chiwawa Boy of The José Trio discuss and debate each other on current world news and events


November, 2008
Amiço and Chiwawa Boy's Super-Cool Election Spectacular 2008!

by
Amiço and Chiwawa Boy

Here we are, Chiwawa Boy! Less than twenty-four hours to go before we know who will be running the country for the next four years! Isn't this exciting?

Si, si, but Amiço, why are we having a discussion about the election this late in the game? I mean, by the time most people read this, the election will already be over.

Well, it's because I read that there are still a lot of undecided voters out there.

Why?!

I have no idea. I mean, what more could possibly be said that would swing you one way or the other at this point?

Or, in the same vein, what one issue could be holding you back that hasn't been discussed yet?

Well, in their defense, I mean, I guess it is hard to make this choice: either contributing to history to elect the first ever black president or electing the forty-fourth white president who would be older than any of his predecessors!

Really...just to be able to say "I voted for the first black president." As a minority, that gives me a great thrill.

I mean, even in Tamale we didn't get to vote for a Tamalian president!

So Amiço, I take it then that you're gonna vote for...?

Oh, is it even a question? Obama Obama Obama!! You?

Si! Si! The man just oozes integrity and inspiration. This country needs that after eight years of failure and embarrassment.

Si, no question. I mean, what a time to be alive for this election, especially with all the crazy crap that has happened during it...most of it from the McCain camp.

Si, what was with that girl in Pennsylvania who said she was mugged?

Oh, she claimed that while she was at an ATM a black Obama supporter saw the McCain bumper sticker on her car and then jumped her, stole her money, beat her up, and then carved a backwards "B" on her cheek.

Um, backwards?

Si, for "Barack," or I guess "kcaraB."

And it took the police how long to figure out this was a hoax?

I think several hours, actually.

But, but...the backwards "B." Wasn't it obvious that she did it herself...you know, while looking in a mirror?

As if someone who was mugging you would take the extra time to do something so unnatural with a knife.

And it also says how stupid this girl was. Like, why not just do an "O?" Don't "Os" look the same backwards?

Chiwawa Boy, when you're desperate like the McCain people are, you don't have time to think or act rationally.

Hence all these attempts to vilify Obama for everything and anything?

Si. According to them, Barack is a friend of terrorists, a Communist, a hater of Israel, the supposed most liberal member of the Senate--

Didn't they say the exact same thing about Kerry in 2004?

Si.

It's amazing how the Democratic presidential ticket always seems to reflect that, no?

Ha ha, si, si. Anyway, according to them, he's also a Muslim, a celebrity, and a supporter of earmarks.

That's a lot for a guy they claim has no experience!

But really, all of that is just the McCain campaign's sleazy way to try to dance around calling him out for being African-American. They can't run on that, so they'll instead call him every other thing they can think of.

Isn't McCain the guy with the "Straight Talk Express?"

Supposedly, yet he'll lie to people about Obama raising their taxes, something Barack has categorically denied that he'll do. In fact, he said it right to McCain's face at one of the debates.

So then McCain's either a liar or just plain old senile.

That is sooo the last desperate fear card any candidate could play: "ooga booga, the other guy'll raise your taxes!"

Go after the wallets. Sounds pathetic.

He's just desperate is all. He knows this is his last chance for something he's wanted since at least 2000. He was supposed to be the 2000 nominee, but Bush scared him off with smears and allegations, so he tucked his tail between his legs and let Bush destroy America and the Republican party along with it.

You think he just feels he's owed the nomination and presidency now?

No question. But the problem now is that he's not the same John McCain who ran in 2000. He's not the same John McCain who did earn a reputation as a "maverick" in the '90s.

Who is he now?

He's the man who humiliated himself by buddying up to crazy religious zealots like Jerry Falwell and submissively supporting Bush's policies. He did anything he could to earn popularity with the extreme right wing of the GOP.

But Amiço, don't all politicians do that to pander to their base?

Maybe so, but if you lose your identity in the process, then where does it get you in the general election?

At that point, you're just banking on your name and nothing more.

Exactly. This is someone who sold his soul to get the Republican nomination. And now that we're less than a day away from it all ending, and seemingly not in his favor, he's seeing just how dangerous it was to do that.

Do you think there was a "jump the shark" moment for his campaign, Amiço?

What, you mean besides praising the economy on the day the stock market crashed? Or by claiming that Muslims can't be "good family men?" Or having people give speeches on his behalf making fun of community organizers?

That just ticks me off...like being a community organizer isn't an important or noble job or something.

You know what kinds of communities especially have local organizations?

Si, poor, underprivileged....

...and minority communities!

Back to veiled racism then, eh?

Told ya, they're desperate. I mean, that whole ACORN thing that nobody else cared about until they started talking about it non-stop. POR FA-VOR!

What was that all about again?

Oh, some local chapters of this non-profit group had a voter-registration drive, and well, some volunteers got lazy and just forged some registration forms so they could finish early and go home, period!

Sounds to me like the only way voter fraud would be committed then is if someone does show up to vote claiming to be Mickey Mouse!

Si, and how insulting is that to the American public? To say that this was some sort of orchestrated effort to defraud the election, as if we're all so dumb that if we were going to fake names then we'd only come up with the lamest, most obvious fictional names ever!

But Amiço, the one "jump the shark" moment would be...?

Oh come on...Sarah "The Imbecile" Palin.

I thought she liked to be called "Barracuda"...that is, until the singers from Heart told her to stop using their song.

This is someone who didn't know her potential running mate's Iraq policy.

But Amiço, come on, she just might not have heard of it, being a working mother and all.

She's the governor of the largest state in the country! She doesn't read the paper?? Besides that, she wasn't aware of her own party's presidential candidate's stance on a WAR?! This isn't like not knowing what kind of underwear he has.

True. She doesn't seem to be very, um...smart.

She didn't even know what the vice president does! As late as last month, she told a kid that the VP "runs the Senate."

Si, that was pretty bad. The vice president's executive role is to cast tie-breaking Senate votes, period!

This is the result of a corrupt party whose current vice president abuses powers and assumes roles he was never supposed to have.

But, she did energize the party!

This whole campaign has been an insult to the intelligence of the American people. First by picking a random woman off the street and then this insipid "everyman" route where she claims she's really one of us...that is, those of us who wear $1,500 suits and have our kids' travel and lodgings paid for by taxpayers. Either Palin's a simpleton or she's just acting like one hoping that would appeal to us. Which is worse?

And what's with her husband?

Oh si, he's a member of Alaska's secessionist party!

You mean, he wants Alaska to be its own country apart from America??

Si! And then there's Palin going to small towns calling them the "real America." To hell with us in cities with more than two thousand people, huh?

I seem to recall during the Republican primaries that none of them believed there were "two Americas."

Palin doesn't believe in birth control, abortion, or even sex education, and not surprisingly, her underaged daughter gets knocked up.

We can't go there, can we?

Watch me! Between the shotgun wedding, the crazy ass husband who wants to rule his own country, and Joe the Plumber, the McCain campaign is like something out of a Marx Brothers movie!

Ah si, Joe the Plumber, who's not even a licensed plumber, but also who's not even named "Joe!"

He didn't even work for the guy whose business he claimed he wanted to buy.

So in other words, I'm as qualified as he is to buy and run a plumbing business.

And he's some skinhead extremist who is actually stupid enough to believe that Obama is a threat to Jewish people. This is the American everyman McCain wants to put on a pedestal?

Did Obama ever even say he would "spread the wealth?"

If he did, then it certainly hasn't turned up on video in any McCain ads, which means he either didn't say it or it was so under any official radar that nobody can or is willing to license out the footage.

Amiço, whom does this stuff work on?

Idiots. So-called "patriots" who are more concerned about themselves and their own sense of misdirected pride than they are the health and well-being of the country. Narcissists who want candidates just like them...uneducated, lazy, and resting on past laurels rather than setting the stage for future generations.

More concerned with image than substance.

And I'll say it: why else would McCain claim to be a "war hero?" People love war heroes...we all want to be one or have sex with one.

Amiço! How can you question that??

He was captured! He didn't save puppies from a burning village!

Hey now, Amiço, we can't attack the guy for his war record.

Sure we can! Ask John Kerry if a war record is fair game in a campaign.

Point.

Why does being captured and tortured automatically make someone an American hero? And furthermore, why should that make him qualified to run the country?? All this stuff about Palin just speaks volumes about McCain's judgment. Some hero, putting the country at serious risk just to get a few women to vote for you!

So, is Palin just looking ahead at 2012?

She thinks she is. Who wants to be the one to tell Romney or Jeb Bush or that lizard-like cross-dressing guy in four years, "Sorry, but you'll have to wait again to be our nominee so we can let this ignoramus run." See how well the party holds up and unites behind Palin then!

Did you vote early?

No, I prefer to wait for the excitement of Election Day. I mean, I won't begrudge those who do vote early, but to me, it feels like preordering a really cool DVD online instead of standing outside Best Buy before they open on the day of release.

I can't wait! To be able to vote for Obama! Sigh...Amiço, do you think we were able to convince any of those undecided voters out there one way or the other?

I don't know. Probably not, but then again, if you're waiting for a pundit or a comedian or a sketch comedy show or two foreign guys on a web site to tell you who to vote for, then maybe it's time to start paying attention to the world around you, maybe do a little reading here and there, look in your heart, and decide for yourself where you want this country to go.

But still, it would be really cool if you voted for Obama.

Duh, C.B.


He Said/He Said April, 2007: Shootings
He Said/He Said March, 2007: Anna Nicole
He Said/He Said January, 2007: State of Confusion
He Said/He Said November, 2006: Torture
He Said/He Said August, 2006: Pluto
He Said/He Said July, 2006: The Anti-War Movement
He Said/He Said May, 2006: Surveillance
He Said/He Said April, 2006: Immigration
He Said/He Said February, 2006: Anniversaries
He Said/He Said December, 2005: War on Christmas
He Said/He Said September, 2005: Hurricane Preparation
He Said/He Said July, 2005: Presidential Diversions
He Said/He Said May, 2005: Revenge of the Ditz
He Said/He Said April, 2005: The Pope
He Said/He Said February, 2005: Cartoons
He Said/He Said December, 2004: New Year's Past
He Said/He Said October, 2004: Amiço and Chiwawa Boy's Super-Cool Election Spectacular!
He Said/He Said August, 2004: Terror Alerts
He Said/He Said June, 2004: The Gipper
He Said/He Said March, 2004: Language
He Said/He Said February, 2004: Nudity
He Said/He Said January, 2004: State of Delusion
He Said/He Said December, 2003: 2003: The Obligatory Year in Review
He Said/He Said October, 2003: Marriage Protection Week
He Said/He Said September, 2003: Blackouts and Rub-outs
He Said/He Said July, 2003: Virginity and Celebrity
He Said/He Said April, 2003: France
He Said/He Said March, 2003: War
He Said/He Said February, 2003: Award Season
He Said/He Said December, 2002: Resolutions
He Said/He Said October, 2002: Fear
He Said/He Said September, 2002: The Emmys
He Said/He Said August, 2002: Baseball
He Said/He Said June, 2002: The Pledge
He Said/He Said May, 2002: Cloning
He Said/He Said February, 2002: Sex
He Said/He Said January, 2002: The State of the Union
He Said/He Said December, 2001: The Holidays
He Said/He Said August, 2001: McDonald's
He Said/He Said July, 2001: Music
He Said/He Said May, 2001: The Death Penalty
He Said/He Said March, 2001: The Oscars
He Said/He Said February, 2001: Napster


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