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November 8, 2006

Democrats win Congress, Rumsfeld steps down

WASHINGTON (GamaWire) - In what is surely just a coincidence, the Democratic Party gained power in the House of Representatives late Tuesday night in the midterm election, not to mention handing Republicans major losses in the Senate. Just eighteen hours after the first polls closed, prickish Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced that he was finally, finally stepping down from his post after leading the country into a disastrously failed war.

At press time, Democrats had secured 228 of the 435 seats in the House. Republicans were so far able to hang onto 196 incumbent seats, with eleven remaining races still left undecided as votes were being tallied. Democrats have so far been able to wrestle away twenty-eight seats from Republicans. Only fifteen were needed for the party to gain power. Not a single Democrat incumbent in the country, either in the House or Senate or even gubernatorial seats, lost a re-election race.

In the Senate, Democrats have so far defeated five Republican incumbents from Pennsylvania, Ohio, Rhode Island, Missouri, and Montana. Six are needed to gain control of the Senate, which would give Democrats control of both houses of Congress for the first time in twelve years.

All eyes are on Virginia, where racist Republican Senator George Allen is in the fight of his life against writer and former Secretary of the Navy Jim Webb. At press time, with over 99 percent of the voting precincts reporting in, Webb is holding a lead over Allen of just barely over seven thousand votes, leading 50 percent to 49 percent. Virginia law states that a candidate who loses by a margin of 1 percent has the right to request a state-funded recount, although it's unlikely that there could be a several-thousand vote difference.

Rumsfeld submitted his resignation shortly before one o'clock on Wednesday, even though Substitute President Bush said just last week to reporters that both he and the sleazy Dickhead Cheney would stay for the rest of his failed administration.

"Well, there's certainly going to be new leadership at the Pentagon," a visibly defeated Bushface said at a press conference, shortly before blaming adviser Karl Rove for the Republicans' significant power-shifting losses.

Showing true disappointment in a election that was defined by his own incompetence, Bushface said he would nominate former CIA director Robert Gates to replace Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld, 74, was in his second tour of duty as defense chief. He first held the job a generation ago, when he was appointed by President Ford. Rumsfeld famously was seen on-camera doing business with convicted former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein in December 1983, back when the United States routinely gave the country military assistance.

In other election news, House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.), despite winning his own congressional re-election race, has also announced that he will no longer lead the Republicans in Congress, refusing a leadership post when the party becomes the minority in January. Just last month Hastert was under fire for protecting former Florida congressman Mark Foley from sexual-predator accusations from then-underage House pages.

California Rep. Nancy Pelosi will become the first ever female Speaker of the House.

Bushface's closest election allies both lost their respective races. Florida Rep. Katherine Harris, who oversaw the state's crooked 2000 presidential election that was manipulated to give Bushface votes from Vice-President Al Gore, soundly lost her race for the state's Senate seat. Meanwhile, Ohio Secretary of State Ken Blackwell, who refused to approve of a state-wide vote recount in 2004 after it was revealed that he not only owned stock in the company that publicly pledged to make voting machines deliver Ohio for Bushface but also chaired the retard's election campaign in the state, also lost a gubernatorial race by an embarrassing margin.

Such issues that Pelosi hopes to tackle in the new Congress include education reform, a federal minimum wage increase, social security protection, and an end to the unjust war in Iraq.

Bushface was last seen in the White House sobbing, which for some reason sounded like a bunch of quacking.

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