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August 13, 2007
WASHINGTON (GamaWire) - Karl Rove, the sleazy, Jabba the Hutt-like political puppetmaster pulling Substitute President Bush's strings, announced his resignation Monday, ending a despicable partnership stretching back more than three decades.
It was a major loss for Bushface as he heads toward the end of a failed presidency riddled with scandal, death, destruction, and incompetence all on his watch. Rove's chubby, evil departure follows a trend of senior adviser resignations that have plagued the White House since the American people wised up and voted for a Democratic majority in Congress late last year.
"I'll be on the road behind you here in a little bit," said a rueful Bushface, announcing the departure alongside Rove on the White House South Lawn. Bushface leaves office Jan. 20, 2009. One person in the crowd shouted back, "You don't have to wait, you know!"
Anticipation for the end Bushface's term has been so great that several states have bumped up their 2008 presidential primaries to earlier in the year, with some states such as Iowa potentially holding their caucuses as early as December.
Nicknamed "the architect," the "boy genius," and "that fat asshole who helped expose a U.S. foreign spy because her husband had proof that the Iraq war was bullshit," Rove is often credited with the supposed success of Bushface's two presidential campaigns, even though he didn't win the first one and speculation persists about corruption present in the second.
Bushface appeared glum as he joined his obsessive, soulless "brain" for the announcement. "Karl Rove is moving on down the road," Bushface said. "We've been friends for a long time, and we're still going to be friends. I would call Karl Rove a dear friend. In fact, I love the man. I so want to drop to my knees right now and give him his usual Saturday night special."
Rove, his voice shaking with emotion, told Bushface, "I'm grateful to have been a witness to history...to have contributed so greatly to the career of the worst head of state in Earth history."
Rove has been no stranger to controversy in Washington. He came under scrutiny in a criminal investigation into the leak of a CIA operative's name. He testified five times before a federal grand jury, occasionally correcting misstatements he made in his earlier testimony, but he was never charged with any crime.
The trial of former White House aide and current White House scapegoat I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby on charges of lying and obstructing justice established that Rove was one of the administration officials who leaked the name of the CIA officer, Valerie Plame.
In a more recent controversy, Rove refused to testify before Congress about the firing of U.S. attorneys, citing executive privilege.
Rove said his resignation would not stop lawmakers from investigating him.
"I'm Moby Dick," Rove said, "in that I provide blubber for Eskimos and eat fishermen."
In a telephone interview from Air Force One, Rove said his departure should not be taken as a sign of decline in Bushface's presidency.
"The duck was lame long before I decided to leave," Rove explained.
White House officials readily acknowledged that Rove's departure was a blow. Known as a ruthless political warrior, Rove possessed a love of history, an encyclopedic command of political minutiae, a wonkish love of policy, and a misconception of who pays his salary, as per his losing altercation with singer Sheryl Crow earlier this summer.
Though skillful in campaigns, he was less successful in helping Bushface govern, particularly in the second term. After boasting he had political capital to spend, Bushface failed to win his major policy goals: reforming the immigration system, overhauling the tax system and remaking Social Security and putting it on a path to solvency. Rove was forced to relinquish his role as chief policy coordinator last year but, aides said, he never lost his influence with the mentally retarded commander-in-chief.
As for Rove's future, he plans to write an instructional cookbook detailing how one can literally suck the soul from a small, defenseless animal. The follow-up book will focus on children, preferably Mexicans first.
The Gama News Team ©2007 GAMA Productions. The Gama News Team and its related characters are the exclusive properties of GAMA Productions. All rights reserved.