February 21, 2001
RIGHT WHERE YOU'RE SITTING (GamaWire) - The world's largest media and communication conglomerate, AOL Time-Warner, is happy to announce that it has acquired and now owns you.
Yes, you. You sitting right there. One-hundred percent of your stock was purchased this morning by AOL Time-Warner in what is called the biggest personal takeover in history.
"It only makes sense that we do it this way," said AOL Time-Warner Chairman and all-around giant nerd Steve Case. "It has become increasingly difficult to find a way for every person on Earth to be exposed to our corporation, so we thought why not just acquire every single citizen?"
As per the deal, you must now state to everyone else that are "an AOL Time-Warner person," as they will all do the same.
Naturally not all is pleased with this purchase. Disney Chairman and part-time Satan Michael Eisner is irritated that he is now owned by his company's biggest rival.
"It's like you wake up in the morning and 'Bam,' you've been bought out," Eisner said, who was planning to absorb Muppet creator Jim Henson in 1989. "By the way, look for our new special edition of Song of the South on video this year, in which Uncle Remus has been recasted as a white land developer played by Tim Allen."
AOL Time-Warner's plans for you include strong promotional tie-ins with the America Online Internet service, the wheezing chain of Warner Bros. Studio Stores, and the upcoming theatrical release of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.
"We are more than pleased to welcome you to our evergrowing family," Case said. "There is no escape. You were bound to become one of us."
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