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February 5, 2008

McCain, Romney agree to Super Tuesday steel cage match to prove who's more like Reagan

WASHINGTON (GamaWire) - As voters in 76 states go to the polls on Tuesday to make their choices in both the Democratic and Republican primaries, the battle for the losing Republican presidential ticket became more intense, with equally batshit candidates John McCain and Mitt Romney agreeing to participate in a no holds barred, winner take all, steel cage wrestling match.

The match will take place in Tampico, Illinois Tuesday evening in lieu of any primary voting. The Republican National Committee has announced that all primary elections for their party have been suspended, with party chairman Mike Duncan explaining, "We'll just see who wants the nomination more." Fox News will broadcast the match live.

Marking the first wrestling match for a party's nomination since the 1968 election, McCain and Romney both agreed to the proposal following a bitter debate along the campaign trail over what was surely the most important issue of the election year, who was the most like brain-damaged conservative icon and ineffective former president Ronald Reagan.

Each candidate tried to prove their own case at the January 30 debate in Simi Valley, California at, not surprisingly, the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, where Nancy Reagan's head and spleen were present in the front row. McCain explained that he was the most like Reagan because he wasn't always sure of where he was at all times, while Romney said that he enthusiastically hated homosexuals and single mothers. Both proclamations earned adequate amounts of applause from the mostly Republican crowd there.

Both McCain and Romney have since tried to elaborate on their respective Reaganness while on the campaign trail, with increasingly embarrassing and confusing results. Romney boomeranged across the country and back in a 37-hour dash, from Tennessee to California, branding himself the true Ronald Reagan conservative at every stop. While at a stop in Charleston, West Virginia, the mannequin proceeded to put on a rubber Reagan face mask and hump the back of a pinata painted up to look like Nancy Reagan.

McCain countered such actions at a stop in Fairfield, Connecticut on Sunday by announcing, "Ronnie gave me a pen once! He really did, and it was really neato of him! The pen doesn't work anymore, but I will use it to sign every bill and veto in my term!" The crowd there applauded rather uncomfortably.

Feeling as if he needed to deliver a one-two punch, this week McCain released a new 30-second national ad that shows Romney distancing himself from Reagan in a 1994 debate when he was challenging Democratic Sen. Edward M. Kennedy of Massachusetts.

"Look, I was an independent during the time of Reagan-Bush. I'm not trying to return to Reagan-Bush," Romney says in the ad footage. An announcer then intones, "If we can't trust Mitt Romney on Ronald Reagan, how can we trust him to lead America?"

Tempers heated up between them over non-Reagan issues as well, surprisingly, with McCain attacking his opponent for having a "terrible record as governor" and Romney retorting that he must be in strong contention if he's so able to get under the Arizona senator's skin.

The two then clashed from afar over a letter that senile liver spot Bob Dole, the former senator and World War II veteran, wrote in support of McCain to rotund radio cancer Rush Limbaugh. "Well, it's probably the last person I would have wanted to have write a letter for me," Romney said, likening McCain's candidacy to Dole's losing 1996 presidential bid. McCain called on his rival to apologize. "This is no way to end up this campaign," McCain said, "by attacking a genuine American war hero," referring also to the group of sleazeballs known as Swift Boat Veterans for Truth that was formed to sabotage Sen. John Kerry's 2004 bid for the White House with libel and slander about his honored Vietnam War service.

Romney sought until the end to exploit the right's mistrust of McCain, an Arizona senator who opposed Substitute President Bush's ridiculous and ineffective tax cuts when they were introduced, departed from orthodoxy on immigration, favors mandates to slow global warming, and led confusing campaign finance reforms.

He told supporters at West Virginia's Republican nominating convention Tuesday that McCain's support for global warming curbs "would effectively kill coal," a lifeblood of the state. "I instead want coal to kill us!" he elaborated to cheers.

Ironically, McCain has also been using another anti-Kerry tactic by trying to paint Romney as a :flip-flopper, such as in the recent Reagan-themed commercial. Asked on the "CBS Evening News" asked about his opponents' weaknesses, the Arizona senator explained, "He's had literally at least two positions on every major issue."

Upon hearing this, Romney appeared at a rally the next day and said, "Whoever's ready to lead the country, raise your hand high above your head!"

The steel cage match is scheduled to last approximately fifteen minutes.

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