U.S. Deaths in Iraq: 4376
U.S. Deaths in Afghanistan: 960

WAR ON CHRISTMAS
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August 29, 2008

MCCAIN MAKES REVOLUTIONARY VP PICK...FOR 1984

DAYTON, Ohio (GamaWire) - One night after the Democratic Party made history with their first ever African-American nominee for president, presumptive Republican nominee and living fossil John McCain made an equally progressive move...by being the second old white guy in the last twenty-five years to select an equally white woman to be his running mate.

At yet another tiring and labored rally, this time in the perpetual swing state of Ohio, McCain introduced his destined political partner, Sarah Palin, a woman so unknown that she governs the furthest state on the continent, Alaska, also one of the few states where McCain doesn't own a house.

Continued on the Gama Newswire

This Month's Classic

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GAMAWIRE HEADLINES THIS HOUR....BREAKING NEWS: MICHAEL JACKSON STILL DEAD....POLITICS: OLD WHITE GUYS IRRATIONALLY TERRIFIED OF LATINA WOMAN BECOMING SUPREME COURT JUSTICE....OBAMA, CONGRESS REFUSE TO DEFY INSURANCE INDUSTRY DESPITE COUNTRY'S DESPERATE NEED FOR PUBLIC HEALTH PLAN....BIGOTS, MORONS QUESTION OBAMA'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE FROM U.S. STATE....OBAMA APPEARS ON TELEVISION TO APOLOGIZE FOR LAST TIME HE APPEARED ON TELEVISION....LOU DOBBS OBSESSED WITH BLAMING EVERYTHING ON MEXICANS....YET ANOTHER ANTI-GAY GAY REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN COMES OUT AMID SCANDAL....WORLD: NEEDLESS WARS IN IRAQ, AFGHANISTAN CONTINUE....CRAZY MIDGET KOREAN LEADER IN POOR HEALTH, PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY....FOX NEWS DESCRIBES SITUATION IN IRAQ AS "SLIGHTLY PROBLEMATIC," BLAMES MICHAEL MOORE....NATIONAL: COUNTRY FREEZES IN CONTINUING SAGA OF MICHAEL JACKSON'S DEATH, OVER A MONTH AFTER IT HAPPENED....EVERYONE ACTS SURPRISED THAT WHITE COPS ARE RACIST, ARREST BLACK PEOPLE IN THEIR OWN HOMES FOR NO REASON....PRO-LIFE ANTI-ABORTION CRACKPOT REFUSES TO SEE IRONY IN PLEADING INNOCENT IN MURDER OF ABORTION DOCTOR....ALL U.S. BANKS MERGE, GO BANKRUPT, RECEIVE TAXPAYER BAILOUT MONEY, THRIVE....U.S. MINT LAUNCHES NEW DESTINED-TO-BE-UNUSED SERIES OF PRESIDENTIAL DOLLAR COINS IN DESPERATE LAST DITCH EFFORT TO GET REAGAN ON CURRENCY....YET ANOTHER GAY REVEREND STEPS DOWN IN DISGRACE...."FORBES" MAGAZINE DISCOVERS WAL-MART IS OWNED BY NEW CORPORATION SATAN, INC....ANTIDEPRESSANT MANUFACTURERS NOW ORDERED TO ADD LABEL TO PACKAGES AS A WARNING TO CHILDREN: "THESE PILLS TASTE LIKE EAST OF CHICAGO PIZZA"....K-MART BUYS SEARS IN ORDER TO FORM NEW RETAIL CHAIN CALLED "NOBODY SHOPS HERE, INC."....ENTERTAINMENT: GLENN BECK REVEALED TO BE CLINICALLY INSANE, MARTIAN....FAN CHARGED $80,000 PER SONG DOWNLOAD....RIAA REFUSES TO INVESTIGATE PRICE-GOUGING BY RECORD LABELS, RETAILERS....JAY LENO PREPARES NEW NBC VARIETY SHOW "HAVEN'T I DIED YET?"....OCTOMOM REVEALED TO REALLY BE FIVE-FOOT LEECH....STUDIES SHOW THAT NOBODY WITH PENIS, BRAIN INTERESTED IN "TWILIGHT"....JON AND KATE ANNOUNCE SUICIDE PACT....OSCARS TO INCREASE "BEST PICTURE" NOMINEES BY NINETY-ONE...."HANNAH MONTANA" MOVIE, SOUNDTRACK BREAKING SALES RECORDS AMONG TEENAGE GIRLS AND LEERING OLD MEN, BAFFLING ENTERTAINMENT EXECS AND EMBARRASSING AMERICANS....MARVEL COMICS PUBLISHES "BRAND NEW DEATH," IN WHICH SPIDER-MAN BECOMES A SKRULL AND EATS CAPTAIN AMERICA'S BRAIN. DC COMICS ANNOUNCES PLANS TO SUE FOR PLAGARISM....UPN AND THE WB MERGE TO FORM NEW NETWORK "THE UNWATCHABLE BROADCAST NETWORK"....DISNEY ACQUIRES PIXAR, READY TO COMPLETELY RAPE AND DESTROY YET ANOTHER OUTSIDE CHILDREN'S FRANCHISE FOLLOWING THE ACQUISITIONS OF THE WINNIE THE POOH CHARACTERS AND JIM HENSON'S MUPPETS....BILL O'REILLY CAPITALIZES ON RECENT SEXUAL HARASSMENT LAWSUIT WITH HIS NEW TELL-ALL BOOK "I DIDN'T DO IT, YOU THING WITH BOOBS!"....DREAMWORKS TO RELEASE NEW CGI ANIMATED MOVIE THIS CHRISTMAS, "UGLY ANIMALS WITH CELEBRITY VOICES DOING LAME THINGS"....TECHNOLOGY: MICROSOFT REFUSES TO EXPLAIN ANY ACTUAL NEED FOR BING.COM SERVICE....WIKIPEDIA WANTS TO SEE CREDENTIALS FROM ALL THEIR USERS WHO DEBATE BACK AND FORTH ON SITE WHETHER OR NOT "BATTLE FOR ENDOR" IS CONSIDERED PART OF "STAR WARS" G-CANNON....NBC PREVENTS YOUTUBE FROM ARCHIVING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" CLIPS AFTER VISITORS FOUND VIDEOS OF TEENAGERS SITTING IN DARK ROOMS LIP-SYNCHING TO ANIME THEME SONGS TO BE INFINITELY MORE ENTERTAINING....GOOGLE ANNOUNCES A WHOLE BUNCH OF SHIT THAT PEOPLE WON'T USE....RECORD LABELS ANNOUNCE PLANS TO SUE EVERYONE, INCLUDING ME AND YOU, FOR MUSIC DOWNLOADING, REGARDLESS IF A PERSON HAS ACTUALLY DONE IT....STRUGGLING WEB SITES DISCOVER POWER OF SCROLLING TEXT, OVERUSE IT....

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