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GAMAWIRE HEADLINES THIS HOUR....BREAKING NEWS: NEXT PRESIDENT WILL EITHER BE BLACK OR HAVE BREASTS....POLITICS: CRAZY MORMON FIGHTS CRAZY EVANGELIST AND CRAZY OLD GUY WHO WANTS IRAQ WAR TO LAST 100 YEARS FOR REPUBLICAN NOMINATION....BUSH PROPOSES ECONOMY-STIMULATING BUDGET THAT WILL PUT COUNTRY INTO DEBT BY ANOTHER TRILLION DOLLARS....BUSH THREATENS YET ANOTHER VETO FOR BILL THAT WOULD TARNISH HIS LEGACY AS WORST PRESIDENT IN U.S. HISTORY....SLEAZY, DESPISED, WOMANIZING FORMER MAYOR DROPS OUT OF REPUBLICAN NOMINATION RACE DESPITE DESPERATE USE OF 9/11....BUSH CHANGES IRAQ PLAN FROM "STAY THE COURSE" TO "STAY THE COURSE, BUT KILL MORE TROOPS"....YET ANOTHER ANTI-GAY GAY REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN COMES OUT AMID SCANDAL....BUSH GETS LOWEST APPROVAL RATING OF HIS CAREER, AGAIN (IBID)....PHOTO RELEASED SHOWING BUSH WITH DISGRACED LOBBYIST JACK ABRAMOFF. WHITE HOUSE CLAIMS IT'S NO BIG DEAL: "THE PRESIDENT HAS NEVER MET HIM AND DOES NOT KNOW HIM. STRANGERS OFTEN WANDER AROUND HERE JUST FEET FROM THE PRESIDENT"....DUELFER REPORT HAS CONFIRMED THAT NOT ONLY DID IRAQ NOT POSSESS WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, BUT ALSO THAT ITALY DID NOT POSSESS DISHES OF MASS LASAGNA....WORLD: OSAMA BIN LADEN STILL AT LARGE....BUSH OBSESSIVELY TRIES TO START UNJUST WAR WITH IRAN TO COMPLEMENT UNJUST WAR WITH IRAQ....BRITISH MEMO REVEALS THAT BUSH INTENTIONALLY MANIPULATED FACTS TO FIT A DESIRE TO ENTER IRAQ AS EARLY AS MID-2002....AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL CALLS FOR THE ARREST AND PROSECUTION OF BUSH FOR LAUNDRY LIST OF U.S. TORTURE CHARGES....FOX NEWS DESCRIBES SITUATION IN IRAQ AS "SLIGHTLY PROBLEMATIC," BLAMES MICHAEL MOORE....NATIONAL: STUDIES SHOW THAT MOST PEOPLE STILL DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT NATALEE HOLLOWAY DISAPPEARANCE....U.S. MINT LAUNCHES NEW DESTINED-TO-BE-UNUSED SERIES OF PRESIDENTIAL DOLLAR COINS IN DESPERATE LAST DITCH EFFORT TO GET REAGAN ON CURRENCY....YET ANOTHER GAY REVEREND STEPS DOWN IN DISGRACE....BUSH SCOLDS MEXICANS FOR WANTING TO SING NATIONAL ANTHEM IN SPANISH. "ISN'T THE ENGLISH VERSION HARD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER?" HE ASKED....OIL COMPANIES REPORT RECORD QUARTER PROFITS, AGAIN. WHITE HOUSE REFUSES TO DEFINE "PRICE-GOUGING"....FAA ADMITS THEY HAD NO KNOWLEDGE OF SEPTEMBER 11 PLANS, EVEN THOUGH BUSH WAS HANDED SECURITY BRIEFING THAT AUGUST....BUSH UNCLE WILLIAM H.T. "BUCKY" BUSH PROFITS HALF A MILLION DOLLARS FROM IRAQ WAR WHICH HAS KILLED OVER 2,000 TROOPS, THANKS TO EXCELLENT FIRST QUARTER EARNINGS OF WAR DEFENSE CONTRACTOR ENGINEERED SUPPORT SYSTEMS, INC., WHICH "UNCLE BUCKY" JOINED AS A SHAREHOLDER IN 2000...."FORBES" MAGAZINE DISCOVERS WAL-MART IS OWNED BY NEW CORPORATION SATAN, INC....ANTIDEPRESSANT MANUFACTURERS NOW ORDERED TO ADD LABEL TO PACKAGES AS A WARNING TO CHILDREN: "THESE PILLS TASTE LIKE EAST OF CHICAGO PIZZA"....K-MART BUYS SEARS IN ORDER TO FORM NEW RETAIL CHAIN CALLED "NOBODY SHOPS HERE, INC."....ENTERTAINMENT: BRITNEY SPEARS SAID TO HAVE BEEN DRUGGED BY MANAGER. FANS OF SPEARS SAID TO HAVE BEEN DUPED BY SPEARS....WRITERS STRIKE CONTINUES, PREVENTING, UM, THINGS FROM, YOU KNOW, HAPPENING OR SOMETHING...."HANNAH MONTANA" TOUR AND MOVIE BREAKING SALES RECORDS AMONG TEENAGE GIRLS AND LEERING OLD MEN, BAFFLING ENTERTAINMENT EXECS AND EMBARRASSING AMERICANS....BRITNEY SPEARS HOSPITALIZED AGAIN WHILE EN ROUTE TO HOSPITAL....OSCARS WILL NOT BE POSTPONED OR CANCELLED BUT RATHER WILL BE DEPICTED WITH A SERIES OF PUPPET SKETCHES AND SEMAPHORE MESSAGES....SYLVESTER STALLONE SIGNS DEAL FOR EIGHTY MORE SEQUELS TO HIS DECADES-OLD MOVIES, WITH "RHINESTONE 2" TARGETED FOR A CHRISTMAS RELEASE....BRITNEY SPEARS REVEALED TO BE FATHER OF UNDERAGED SISTER JAMIE LYNN SPEARS'S UNBORN CHILD....WARNER BROS. ANNOUNCES PLANS TO DIGITALLY EDIT HEATH LEDGER'S PERFORMANCE IN UPCOMING BATMAN SEQUEL "THE DARK KNIGHT" OUT OF RESPECT TO HIS FAMILY, CHANGING HIM FROM THE JOKER TO KING TUT....MARVEL COMICS PUBLISHES "BRAND NEW DEATH," IN WHICH SPIDER-MAN BECOMES A SKRULL AND EATS CAPTAIN AMERICA'S BRAIN. DC COMICS ANNOUNCES PLANS TO SUE FOR PLAGARISM....BRITNEY SPEARS ARRESTED FOR DRUNKEN PUBLIC ORGY WITH ZOO ANIMALS, INEXPLICABLY LOSES CUSTODY OF HER WHITE TRASH CHILDREN....UPN AND THE WB MERGE TO FORM NEW NETWORK "THE UNWATCHABLE BROADCAST NETWORK"....DISNEY ACQUIRES PIXAR, READY TO COMPLETELY RAPE AND DESTROY YET ANOTHER OUTSIDE CHILDREN'S FRANCHISE FOLLOWING THE ACQUISITIONS OF THE WINNIE THE POOH CHARACTERS AND JIM HENSON'S MUPPETS....BILL O'REILLY CAPITALIZES ON RECENT SEXUAL HARASSMENT LAWSUIT WITH HIS NEW TELL-ALL BOOK "I DIDN'T DO IT, YOU THING WITH BOOBS!"....DREAMWORKS TO RELEASE NEW CGI ANIMATED MOVIE THIS CHRISTMAS, "UGLY ANIMALS WITH CELEBRITY VOICES DOING LAME THINGS"....ENVIRONMENT: SCHWARZENEGGER ADVISER BLAMES GLOBAL WARMING ON MEXICAN IMMIGRANTS....NASA AND OTHER SCIENTISTS HAVE FOUND CONCRETE PROOF OF BOTH GREENHOUSE EFFECT AND GLOBAL WARMING. BUSH WHITE HOUSE RESPONDS THAT MORE STUDYING IS NEEDED, PREFERABLY WHEN THEY'RE OUT OF OFFICE....ENERGY: SHELL REPORTS RECORD PROFITS....EXXON REPORTS RECORD PROFITS....BP REPORTS RECORD PROFITS....WHITE HOUSE REFUSES TO HOLD COMPANIES ACCOUNTABLE FOR PRICE-GOUGING....SCIENCE: BRITISH SCIENTISTS CREATE EMBRYO WITH DNA FROM THREE DIFFERENT PEOPLE, ALL OF WHO UNFORTUNATELY LOOK LIKE DAVID CROSBY....PLUTO NOW RECLASSIFIED AS "DWARF PLANET," WHILE BUSH IS RECLASSIFIED AS "MENTAL MIDGET"....BIRD FLU REVEALED TO BE COMPLETELY MADE UP BY WHITE HOUSE....TECHNOLOGY: MICROSOFT AND GOOGLE BATTLE EACH OTHER FOR YAHOO BUYOUT, WITH NEITHER SIDE SEEING AN ANTITRUST PROBLEM IN THEIR VICTORY....HD-DVD BECOMES THE BOB HOPE OF HIGH-DEFINITION FORMATS, REFUSING TO DIE GRACEFULLY AFTER WARNER BROS. EFFECTIVELY ENDED FORMAT WAR BY SIDING WITH BLUE-RAY. MICROSOFT CONTINUES TO PUMP MONEY INTO HD-DVD IN HOPE OF FORMAT WAR CRUSHING BOTH FORMATS, ALLOWING MICROSOFT'S PROPOSED HIGH-DEF MOVIE DOWNLOADS TO REIGN SUPREME....WIKIPEDIA WANTS TO SEE CREDENTIALS FROM ALL THEIR USERS WHO DEBATE BACK AND FORTH ON SITE WHETHER OR NOT "BATTLE FOR ENDOR" IS CONSIDERED PART OF "STAR WARS" G-CANNON....NBC PREVENTS YOUTUBE FROM ARCHIVING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" CLIPS AFTER VISITORS FOUND VIDEOS OF TEENAGERS SITTING IN DARK ROOMS LIP-SYNCHING TO ANIME THEME SONGS TO BE INFINITELY MORE ENTERTAINING....GOOGLE ANNOUNCES A WHOLE BUNCH OF SHIT THAT PEOPLE WON'T USE....RECORD LABELS ANNOUNCE PLANS TO SUE EVERYONE, INCLUDING ME AND YOU, FOR MUSIC DOWNLOADING, REGARDLESS IF A PERSON HAS ACTUALLY DONE IT....STRUGGLING WEB SITES DISCOVER POWER OF SCROLLING TEXT, OVERUSE IT....CHIWAWA BOY'S TERROR ALERT STATUS: "THE VILLAGE"/TRANSIT TERROR ALERT STATUS: "DODGEBALL"....

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